Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Lion Ate Pierre

Chapter 29: The Lion ate Pierre: Teacher-Student relationships

Apathy, bribes, favoritism, scapegoating: there are more ways for student-teacher relationships to go wrong than right. Add to this a staff who would prefer their jobs be like computer programming: simply impart facts then test for retention without any messy interface issues. My hesitant forays into “relationship” discussions have been met with disdain (too touchy-feely), refusal (impossible! citing anecdotes of dramatic student misbehaviors) or misunderstanding (no, favoritism is not an example of a good teacher-student relationship). It is vital for me to convince my staff that forming relationships with their students really matters. I must help them see that the most unappealing child, the most difficult child, the most offensive child, needs our concern at least as much, if not more than, the sweet, obedient child.

One thing I learned in my sixteen years as an educator is that you can’t be effective with students unless you have positive relationships with them. Students need to respect and trust their teacher in order to learn – they have to feel the teacher cares about them and feel secure in their classroom before they can hear, digest and remember new information or learn new skills. Education schools rarely teach courses solely devoted to this topic (though since most of my Prospect teachers haven’t taken any education classes, the existence or non-existence of these courses is somewhat moot). If “teacher-student relationships” appears on a syllabus, it’s usually a single class discussion or one reading assignment. To make matters worse (especially from a Prospect perspective) educators who lecture or write on the topic of teacher-student relationships rarely imagine a classroom full of disruptive, defiant, aggressive, angry, oppositional, hostile and resistant children. So when it comes to finding material to help develop truly qualified teachers for Prospect, I can’t really rely on the standard training curricula available in the field.

I ponder the basic and vexing questions which shape the problem: How do I get my teachers to form positive relationships with their students when the children are all so difficult? How do they do it when many of their students expect and want the teacher to dislike them? How do they do it in a culture where punishing naughty children is seen as a moral obligation? How do I, as principal, train and develop my teachers to overcome all these obstacles? And lastly, is it even possible to teach people to care?

One way to encourage caring and compassion is to help teachers and students see beyond their classroom roles and explore their shared interests. To encourage this, I developed Activity Period. During the summer, before school opened, one of the many changes I made was to the school schedule – I lengthened the school day to allow time for Activity Period. I knew this would be a hard sell for my staff. The benefits of Activity Period: bonding and forming relationships with students, keeping troubled children off the streets and providing our students with enriching experiences, were not of immediate interest to my employees. But offering activity period was crucial to my overall plan for Prospect students.

It’s a class thing. Middle class kids take lessons after school, play on teams, become scouts. Poor kids do not. Poor kids go home, watch TV, hang out, get in trouble. I am oversimplifying, but only a little. My students don’t have hobbies and interests, unless you count sex, drugs and video games. Long before I became the Prospect principal I read about this problem. When I started at Prospect I felt excited and energized knowing I was going to be part of the solution. Too bad my staff thinks Activity Period is about as wonderful as a boot to the head.

None-the-less, I launch Activity Period. For the last hour of the day students participate in an activity or club. Teachers offer activities that match their own interests (chess, fishing, newspaper, building models, comic reading, drawing, running, golf etc.) and students sign up for their favorite choices. The underlying principle is that our students lack healthy hobbies and this not only exposes them to some, it also creates an atmosphere in which they can develop relationships with adults over a shared interest. At least that is the idea and I do my best to try to sell it to my staff using an approach that combines research-based articles and my limited charisma.

Activity Period is really hard to choreograph. Students usually change classes as a whole group. They don’t do well moving about independently, they become wild and violent. Success involves planning, military-like maneuvers and all staff strategically positioned. I knew Activity Period would take some tweaking - how students would register, how we would schedule it and student movement between classrooms. I expect and need a team willing to work with me and brainstorm ideas. Instead, every glitch brings a chorus of “kill activity period.” I work hard on explaining the philosophical underpinnings, but the root of the problem is this: my staff firmly believes that what is best for the students is in direct opposition to what is best for the teachers. I try to find every example, and there are many, of the activity period working well and share these with staff. They continue to insist it would be better to send students home at 2:50 so teachers could have another break period. I don’t give up and try, in the second quarter, to point to the success of Activity Period during the first quarter to get more staff buy-in.

I also tried once, early in the school year, to run a session on teacher-student relationships, but it quickly became a talk on avoiding allegations of sexual harassment. I covered boundary issues, touching and sexual overtones, and what happens when you have a classroom full of students who are hungry, unloved and neglected. I advised no touching but allowed that when our little elementary student Frankie crawls in Midge’s lap or when Ionya is sobbing in Rosie’s office, there is a need to touch to comfort, but we must be so very careful. Fortunately during my eighteen months at Prospect no allegations of sexual misconduct were lodged. In this case, telling teachers what NOT to do was easier than helping them develop healthy relationships with their students. But the absence of sexual allegations does not a positive teacher-student relationship make.

My next foray into running a training on teacher-student relationships focused exclusively on favoritism and scapegoating. I was inspired by three of my newly degreed teachers.

Pets and goats

Teacher’s Pet. Both the phrase and phenomenon are so familiar that this display of favoritism almost seems innocuous. But when teachers play favorites it disturbs students’ sense of fairness. Favoritism also breeds its opposite: scapegoating and holding grudges. RitaMae, Buffy and Yvonne all possess newly minted teaching certificates and this is their first teaching assignment. These women have something else in common, although they won’t admit it: RitaMae, Buffy and Yvonne cultivate teacher’s pets.

For many months, RitaMae’s favorite student was Raheem. Raheem’s younger brother, Kareem is a student in our elementary classroom. Raheem is the calmer and smarter of the two. RitaMae exclusively selects him to run errands, erase the marker board, and distribute books and materials. Raheem is always the first in line for the bathroom and cafeteria. The other students complain to RitaMae and to the counselors, but RitaMae insists she selects Raheem based on his behavior and no one is as good. . well except Nora, but she is doing fine and RitaMae feels Raheem needs the special attention. RitaMae’s least favorite student is Victor. Victor is an Hispanic thirteen year old and truly, Victor is one of our most difficult children. He is also academically advanced and has a great sense of humor. RitaMae only grudging admits he has these gifts and never builds on them to develop rapport with him. Not a week goes by when RitaMae isn’t in my office demanding I suspend Victor. Raheem-the-good sits next to RitaMae’s desk; Victor-the-bad sits in the back of the room by the door. This was the status quo until last week when Raheem spilled chocolate milk on RitaMae’s desk and she yelled at him. Feeling his status as “pet” was in jeopardy, Raheem became upset. What happened next depends on whether you ask RitaMae or her students, Raheem either flailed his arms and accidentally struck RitaMae or he intentionally punched her in the breast. RitaMae reported this as an assault. Raheem was arrested and I sent RitaMae to our worker’s comp doctor. When Raheem returned to school, he had trouble finding his desk. He found it next to Victor’s, by the door.

Buffy, my newer elementary teacher, is very fond of Trent. She jokes with him that they both have freckles so he must be “her son” and she would like to “take him home.” To seven-year-old Trent, with his mother in prison and his grandmother/guardian overwhelmed with his care, having Buffy as his mother must be a fantasy, not unlike winning the lottery. Buffy’s other students complain that she loves Trent more than she likes them. I meet with Buffy to discuss this but she discounts the impression of favoritism as the misplaced whining of troubled students. Trent often runs from the classroom and hides in the shrubs by the driveway. One day recently when he did this, a stressed-out Buffy brusquely grabbed his arm to drag him out from under the hedge. Trent emerged swinging and his punch knocked her off balance and she fell to the ground. At that moment our deputy happened to walk by and witness the “assault.” He immediately arrested seven-year-old Trent. The deputy tells me attacking a teacher is a felony. When Trent returned, there was no more talk of any kinship to Buffy.

Yvonne, my first year teacher from North Carolina, has made Caleb her favorite student. She always selects Caleb to run errands and help with choice class projects. In turn, he helps keep his fellow classmates in line. I meet and talk with her about this situation but she denies she shows any preference for Caleb over her other students. One Friday morning in October, Caleb gets off the bus and asks me if he can phone home to talk to his mother about plans for a sleepover with Darrin tonight. Citing the school rules, I say no. Caleb tries first charm and then anger but I don’t budge.

Caleb is a fourteen-year-old white boy who is not the most loyal of friends and has a reputation for dishonesty. Darrin is our obese boy who threatened to kill himself and needs all the friends he can get. We support the Darrin – Caleb friendship knowing how much Darrin values it. But I won’t let Caleb phone his mother about this outing.

Yvonne does. She lets Caleb use her cell phone and call home despite knowing I forbade him to do so. Later, Caleb’s mother calls me very upset. It seems she and Caleb’s stepfather already said “no” to an overnight. When Caleb phoned her from Yvonne’s cell, he first tried the charm approach he used on me. When that failed, he screamed and cursed at her. Mom wants to know why Caleb was allowed to phone and abuse her from school.

When Yvonne has a break I ask her to come to my office. I explain why it was inappropriate for her to permit Caleb to call home. Yvonne sits stone-faced, not denying or explaining or apologizing. When she finally speaks, she asks me if it is true that I plan to fire her, because that is what Caleb told her. He told her he was leaning out the bus window yesterday and heard me say it to Rosie. I assure Yvonne I don’t plan to fire her and moreover I never said anything to Rosie in the bus circle or anywhere that could be construed as such. Yvonne is unconvinced; she appears to hold more stock in what Caleb says than in what I say. I talk with Yvonne about appropriate and inappropriate student relationships. She isn’t really listening.

Inspired by RitaMae, Buffy and Yvonne, I devote a Tuesday faculty meeting to Teacher-Student relationships and focus on favoritism and scapegoating telling the staff: “Teachers, counselors and principals are human and often we feel an affinity for or a bond with certain students and likewise we’ll feel annoyed and intolerant of others. We need to be aware of these feelings and work hard to be fair. While it isn’t unusual for teachers to have favorite students and least favorite students, we can’t demonstrate these feelings and fortunately one teacher’s difficult students are often another teacher’s delights.”

I’m pleased when my talk results in a lively and productive discussion. RitaMae dramatically identifies her worst girl student is Mimi, Rosie interrupts to say Mimi is her favorite Prospect student! Then Stone cites Glenn as his least favorite student, and we quickly discover that Glenn is no one’s favorite.

Prince Uncharming

Glenn is the boy who, in the Geography Bee, didn’t connect Boston as the capital of Massachusetts. Glenn suffers from what I call “unappealing child syndrome.” Maybe it’s Glenn’s permanent scowl, the chip on his shoulder, or his strange appearance - a very round Charlie Brown head that is too big for his small, squat body. Glenn’s lack of charisma might be associated with his lack of intellect; he is slow to learn and forgets easily. It could also be a glitch in the feedback loop. Glenn’s facial expressions and other non-verbal communication don’t seem to be in synch with the input he receives. But none of these explanations is really satisfactory. Teachers and counselors describe Glenn as whiney, glum, negative, tattletale, lazy and slow. But I think the primary characteristic of the unappealing child is that no staff member can make a connection with him. There is no relationship, not with adults or peers.

I talk about Glenn and how when a “Glenn” sits in your classroom, you have to work hard not to avoid, scapegoat or marginalize him. I stress the importance of self-awareness: we need to acknowledge our emotions toward our least favorite students then work to overcome them and focus on the child’s positives. Has anyone read Glenn’s cumulative file? Did anyone know he was Baker Acted 23 times last school year? I remind my faculty that every child has a story, usually a sad story, that explains, at least in part, why he is here and why you may find him hard to tolerate. But sympathy isn’t empathy and tolerance isn’t acceptance. Without an adult who can develop some semblance of rapport with Glenn, he will be doomed to stumble through his school days isolated and unconnected.

Unfortunately I am finding that while favoritism and grudges are easy to identify and talk about (even if the teachers who exhibit these behaviors are resistant to change), forming healthy teacher-student relationships is far more difficult. By operating in continual crisis mode, I have been reactive on this issue rather than proactive. And given the lack of expertise and experience on the part of most of my staff, I decide I need to focus on teaching fundamentals. Some recent classroom observations inspire me to get on this right away.

I hate observing Neeley’s class. At best I’ll find his student are out of control, but there’s always a reasonable chance I’ll walk in on a full-scale riot. Neeley’s only classroom management technique is bribery. His idea of student-teacher relationships is that the children will admire his youthful coolness and choose to behave because they like him. He and I have talked many times. I’ve given him advice, books, videos, training and through it all, Neeley is always upbeat and positive about my suggestions. For some reason, he just can’t or won’t change.

Since I scheduled a formal observation for today, I grit my teeth and head to his classroom. According to Neeley’s lesson plan, his students are supposed to be making a list of the characters from The Outsiders and writing a paragraph saying which character is most like them. When I walk into the classroom, no one is writing. A few students have a copy of The Outsiders on their desks, but no one has paper except Preston. Neeley is shouting at Conner, the very angry class scapegoat, telling him he must stay in his seat although Marcus, Kwamye and Dante are not in their seats. They are wandering around the classroom poking and provoking. Elden asks to use the computer and Neeley refuses saying Elden hasn’t finished his work. Kwamye, who wants to play a computer game with Elden protests saying Jimmie is using the computer but he didn’t do his work. Neeley then engages in a debate with Elden, and several students loudly rush to Elden’s defense. I walk over to see what Preston is writing and find him drawing a caricature of Neeley. Lindy raises his hand to ask whether they should write a paragraph about every character or just three. Conner, still stinging from his reprimand, shouts that Lindy is a “retard.” Nicholas raises his hand and asks Neeley whether the assignment wasn’t to write a paragraph on just Ponyboy. Marcus, only half braided today, wanders out the classroom door, unnoticed by Neeley. I decide I’d rather join Marcus than spend another minute in this classroom. As I go to leave, Lindy whispers conspiratorially to me: “Mr. Neeley promised us Tootsie Rolls if we were good when you came in today.”

I’m not sure whether the class got their candy.

Feeling dejected and ashamed that Neeley’s classroom exists on my campus, I walk back to my office mentally composing the feedback I will deliver to Neeley. If the past is any guide, he will listen attentively and enthusiastically, agree to make changes, (in fact he’ll even make a few), but they will be short-lived or he will undermine his own best efforts by reverting to bribery and ignoring misbehavior. Neeley’s willingness to change is what keeps me from giving up on him. As the principal, as his boss, I need to help him focus and when he does make corrections, I need to support him. In sustaining them. I can’t overwhelm Neeley by talking about ALL the areas in which he needs improvement. I plan to begin with some strengths (I’m reaching here but he does show a genuine enthusiasm for literature) and then I’ll move onto a single area for improvement: appropriate student-teacher relationships. As I outline my thoughts for the feedback session with Neeley I realize most of my staff could benefit from a similar discussion.

Fortunately some of my teachers and counselors are experts at building teacher-student relationships. Daphne’s skills in this area are amazing, although I try not to hold up Daphne as a role model too often to avoid peer resentment, which seems to be constantly simmering at Prospect. For example, staff and even some students, have reported to me that Noreen hates Daphne and that Noreen refuses to speak to or even acknowledge her when their classes pass on campus. When I question Noreen she absolutely denies it and wants to know whether Daphne told me this! But Daphne’s students trust and respect her and while they complain about the workload, they are cooperative. Daphne’s students feel safe and secure enough to ask questions and become engaged in class discussions. It is very rare that Daphne needs to have a child removed from her classroom for misbehavior.

Daphne understands the importance of demonstrating an interest in the lives of her students. Every morning she takes time to sit next to each child for a few minutes to ask how things are going. In her classroom, there is a bulletin board covered with photos of Daphne and her students. She acknowledges their birthdays and calls their homes frequently to talk with their parents.

Jordan, the new teacher on Daphne’s team, is becoming almost as adept as Daphne at building student relationships and, like Daphne, his students rarely have to be removed from the classroom. Jordan arrived with some of these skills, but Daphne has been mentoring and coaching him. Jordan is passionate about his students. He will advocate for them all, with no clear favorites or “unfavorites.”

My counselors, Rosie and Rusty are also expert at forming warm, caring, healthy relationships with the students. Rusty even spends many of his evening hours phoning students at home. The concern Daphne, Jordan, Rosie and Rusty feel towards the Prospect students is genuine and the children respond positively. Students who are defiant and oppositional with all other adults, will often obey and perform for Daphne, Jordan, Rusty and Rosie. I want to train the rest of my staff to do what these four faculty members do.

Early in the second quarter I schedule a training session to accomplish this goal. I begin the October in-service by first working to inspire my teachers to care about building teacher-student relationships and then giving them direct instruction on how to create them. I point out that good teacher-student relationships result in fewer discipline problems and thus fewer headaches for the teacher. I cite many of the behaviors and activities I’ve witnessed in Daphne’s classroom (without mentioning Daphne by name). Teachers need to give the students some power over their day. Daphne lets her class choose to eat breakfast in the cafeteria or in the classroom (they almost always pick classroom). Custodians Sonya and Vince complain about this at least once a week but it’s a reasonable price to pay for the students feeling good about themselves and the school. I also say that teachers must set clear expectations and post classroom rules. (Daphne has five classroom rules permanently posted and for each lesson, she writes the objectives on the board). When students misbehave, teachers need to intercede quickly and quietly, addressing the child privately rather than publicly drawing attention to the misbehavior. The objective is to deliver more genuine praise and positive comments than reprimands. I talk about the little ways teachers can demonstrate an interest in their students - they can say good morning and greet their students by name when they arrive each day.

My faculty isn’t exactly receptive. Stone is the most skeptical and vocal, although I suspect others agree with him when he expresses his disdain for this “touchy feely” stuff and announces that working on building student relationships is not unlike a necktie: it may look nice but serves no purpose and if you’re not careful it will choke you. In his classroom, Stone exudes an aura of emotional distance, often ridiculing, demeaning and belittling his students. In our meetings, Stone works hard to maintain his reputation as a tough curmudgeon. He never misses a chance to chant he “hates them all equally” and when brainstorming solutions to student problems, Stone always suggests “cattle prods.” Jana, who I teamed with Stone, has accepted some of his rhetoric and adopted some of his policies. I suspect this is because Jana is too exhausted with her pregnancy to make an emotional investment in her students. But unlike Stone, Jana doesn’t assume the worst from her students. She doesn’t hold grudges and she doesn’t let yesterday’s misbehavior carry over into the future. She has rules posted in her room and unlike Stone, Jana doesn’t use sarcasm with her students. Jana is viewed by her class as fair and consistent and she has more success than Stone in instructing lessons while minimizing disruptive behavior.

My counselors, Rosie and Rusty, support me by firmly attesting to the importance of improving teacher-student relationships. But from the eye rolling and other body language, I can tell most of my teachers discount their opinions because they aren’t teachers (although until recently, both of them were!) Daphne and Jordan chime in occasionally to interject affirming comments, but they are clearly cautious about appearing to be Smee cheerleaders, especially when it becomes obvious that Billie, Buffy, Noreen, Neeley, RitaMae, Yvonne, Midge and even orientation leader Stephanie aren’t getting on the bandwagon.

I work hard to make my faculty see that positive student-teacher relationships are not just a “nice thing”, but a necessary thing. At the end of the day, however, I don’t feel I’ve changed many minds or behaviors. I have been reasonably successful at getting my faculty to arrive for work on time, submit weekly lesson plans and communicate with parents, but how do I make them care?