Chapter Thirty: Parental Involvement

Chapter 30: Parental Involvement

I admit it: I am better at talking to my students than to their parents. Maybe because when children curse, misuse words and use poor grammar, I still have hope they will learn and become better. When adults demonstrate these same short-comings, I am saddened, frustrated and yes, annoyed. I can relate to Bill Cosby’s contentious comments when he lamented: “I can’t even talk the way these people talk, ‘Why you ain’t,’ “Where you is’. . . and I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk and then I heard the father talk. . . Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads.” Although Cosby’s comments were aimed at black parents, this poor grammar isn’t limited to black families, it is the language of most of my students and their parents, black or white. It is the language of poverty.

Just as I struggle to understand the non-standard English spoken by the parents of my students, they too have difficulty understanding me. I once told a mother her daughter had “made great gains during the semester.” The mother became wild-eyed and pounded the desk as she exploded: “Games, I don’t want her playing games.”

I talk to at least a dozen parents every day, some by phone, others face-to-face. On days when things go wrong - when busses are late or children are in a fight or there are arrests - I talk to many more parents. At our recent Award Ceremony, I spoke to an audience of nearly 100 family members on the subject of parent involvement in education. But despite advocating for this involvement, there are times when my encounters with parents make me wish they were a little more apathetic.

What do all these parents want to discuss with me? There are as many topics as I have students (although it is rare for parents to want to talk to me about what a wonderful job I’m doing). But a common request is to change a child’s class assignment. Of course, this is not unique to prospect. Virtually every principal in every school tells parents not to make requests for their child’s teacher assignment. Often a note will be sent home in late Spring: “All of our staff are highly trained professionals and wonderful, talented teachers.” or “Your child’s teachers know your child’s learning style and will make the best placement selection for the upcoming school year.” Sometimes the exasperated principal will add, “No parent requests will be accepted.” But here is the dirty little secret: parents regularly make teacher placement requests and they are honored. Which parents do it and how do they make their desires known? Parents who volunteer in the classroom and have good rapport with their child’s teacher and other school staff, parents who take the time to visit all the classrooms for next year’s potential teacher assignments and observe the teaching styles, parents who can articulate their rationale for their request – these are the parents who successfully select their children’s teachers year after year.

I find it baffling when educated, caring parents don’t investigate the teacher choices and make a request. The same people who sniff and squeeze the cantaloupes, try on five shirts and surf the web for reviews of appliances before they take our their wallets, remove themselves from the decision-making process when it comes to their child’s education. Yet in most every school there are teachers who should not be teaching. They come in a variety of flavors (the worksheet queens, the screamers, the demeanors) yet when making class assignments SOMEONE has to be placed in those classrooms. For many years I have been coaching and encouraging friends, relatives and other parents to get involved in the selection process. Now I am on the other side of the fence, although the parents who call me aren’t calling about next year’s teacher selection, they want their child’s classroom assignment changed now!

Glenn’s Mom

Glenn’s mother calls. At first I think she is calling about the Geography Bee, when Glenn melted down after forgetting about Boston, but I am wrong. Glenn has been in Midge’s elementary classroom all year, however lately it hasn’t been working out. Glenn is thirteen, but with the height and intellect of an elementary student. In fact Glenn is the slowest learner in Midge’s elementary classroom.

Glenn’s interests, though, are definitely adolescent and Midge feels his preoccupation with sex encourages her already sexually precocious elementary students to further engage in inappropriate behavior and language. We decided Glenn needed to move to a middle school classroom at the start the second quarter and we placed him in Stone’s class. We informed Glenn’s mother of the change but now Glenn’s mother is unhappy and wants him back with Midge.

I listen to Glenn’s mother. She is very upset; I don’t try to calm her, I just listen. As she talks, I begin to feel her pain and question my decision. I too would rather have my child in Midge’s class than in Stone’s. But as Glenn’s mother talks about her personal life, her past and Glenn’s past, she mentions that several years ago, when she was engaged to a very strict disciplinarian, that was “the best Glenn ever did.” Stone is not warm and nurturing like Midge, but he comes much closer to fitting the description of “strict disciplinarian” than does Midge. I am thankful when, after a long discussion, Glenn’s mother agrees to keep Glenn with Stone.

Estralitta’s Mom

Estralitta’s mother calls. She is upset and when she is upset English and Spanish mix and merge. (Years ago, when I stood in a pastry shop in Montreal, I was delighted I had studied French in high school, but as a teacher in New York, and now as a principal in Florida, I sure wish I knew Spanish.) I listen attentively and she makes me understand she wants Estralitta out of Stone’s class now, if not sooner. It is hard to defend Stone. I know he is not a good teacher; most of the incidents she relates about Stone are probably true, although they are second-hand since Mom is quoting Estralitta. I suggest an observation and Mom agrees to come in this afternoon during Estralitta’s math class with Stone.

I see Estralitta’s mother signing in shortly after lunch and I consult my class list spreadsheet assuming I will soon need to move Estralitta to another class. But by 3:00 Estralitta’s mother is in my office calmly thanking me for this opportunity and saying she changed her mind, she wants Estralitta to stay with Stone. She tells me she is now more upset with Estralitta’s behavior than with Stone’s. She goes on to tell me how Estralitta and her older sister only recently came to live with her after spending most of their lives living with their father in the Bronx, and they are all still learning to get along. It isn’t going well. While she talks to me in English, she answers her cell phone and proceeds to hold a parallel conversation with her older daughter in Spanish. The older daughter’s baby can be heard crying in the background. After each Spanish interlude, Estralitta’s mother confides in me, “I can’t do anything with this girl. She won’t get up for school. She is always shouting at me. Ms. Smee, I really don’t know what to do with her or with Estralitta”

When Estralitta’s mother leaves my office, I am a little relieved I don’t need to change Estralitta’s class assignment. I feel a little guilty leaving her with Stone, except that is what her mother wants, but mostly I feel sad about Estralitta’s mother’s predicament and frustrated that I feel pressured to prioritize my work such that I don’t have time to seek out agencies and people who can help this struggling family.

Some parents don’t simply want to move their child out of a particular classroom, they want to move their child out of Prospect altogether and back into public school. Since the only children who must stay at Prospect are felony transfers and expulsions, and few of our children fall into these categories, most Prospect parents have the power to move their child back to public school. Typically parents don’t know they have this right and I don’t share this information with them. I don’t lie, it is more a sin of omission. I continue to cling to the belief that their children aren’t ready to return and I would be doing them a disservice to return them prematurely.

Luke’s Mom

Luke’s mother calls. I steel myself when I recognize her voice. If my phone could bleep out the profanity, there would be little content left in this conversation / monologue. Yesterday Luke’s mother received a letter from us saying the bus would not pick up Luke until she comes in for a parent conference. It was a desperate measure to get her attention and it worked. In the last two weeks, Luke has provoked two bus fights, had six other bus referrals and eleven classroom discipline referrals. Mom begins, after cursing at me, to tell me she wants Luke out of Prospect NOW!

I struggle to hold my tongue. Luke’s mother tells me she talks to other parents and they all feel I run this school like a prison and she isn’t saying I’m a terrible principal but that I must have something against Luke. She lets me know Luke never had problems until I became the principal and my staff is lying about Luke’s behavior. She tells me we need to stop asking her to come to parent conferences. If she comes to meet with us, she’ll miss work and when she misses work she doesn’t get paid. She says she didn’t know about all the discipline referrals. She has no time to look in Luke’s planner and he doesn’t bring home the notes. She didn’t receive any of the phone messages. She works all the time and Luke erases the answering machine. What do I have against her son and why won’t I let him go back to public school where he belongs?

Then she starts crying.

Luke’s mother tells me about her abusive ex-husband in Michigan, of her good job there as a secretary and how, since moving here, nobody will hire her except McDonalds. She has to work all the time to provide a life for her two sons; she doesn’t get any child support. With copious use of the “F” word, she tells me of all the jobs for which she has interviewed only to be told she was overqualified. She starts to cry harder and I can’t make out her next sentence until she repeats it. Her older son, Luke’s brother, was sentenced to prison last week. She doesn’t want Luke to end up there too. She ends the call saying she’ll be here today at 4:00 for a conference.

I should feel relieved that I got what I want: Luke won’t be transferred to public school and I’ve scheduled a conference with Luke’s mother. But instead I feel drained and defeated. While Luke’s mother was talking I slipped momentarily into her shoes and everything suddenly looked so grey and hopeless and sad and hard, so very hard.

Roxanne’s Mom

Roxanne’s mother is in my office shortly after noon telling me she is going to put Roxanne in public school tomorrow. (Roxanne is the runaway girl I dropped off at DCF one rainy night a few months back.) Roxanne’s mother isn’t really asking my permission, but since she is talking to me about it, rather than just doing it, I assume there is room for discussion. I am unaware of any major discipline issues, so maybe her mother is right and Roxanne should return to public school. Before I open my mouth I ask Jana, Roxanne’s pregnant homeroom teacher to have a Counselor cover her class so she can come to my office.

Jana starts by saying Roxanne is very bright and her grades are good. But her temper is not good; she has an anger control problem. Just today at lunch, when Jana told Roxanne to get in line, Roxanne responded “Shut up you fat bitch.” Before Jana could comment, Roxanne added, “and you can just suck my dick.”

The mother, who a few minutes ago was certain of her actions and confident she was doing the right thing for her child, begins to unravel. She apologizes saying she has the same problems at home and admits she can’t control Roxanne. She shares with us the fact that last school year Roxanne was court mandated to a Program (boot camp) outside Jacksonville for several months. Mom expected the Program to “cure” her and expected Roxanne to start in a public school this year. She tells us Roxanne has a Medicaid therapist and the therapist says Roxanne may be bipolar. Mom asks Jana to write notes in Roxanne’s planner daily. Jana says she does. Together we look at Roxanne’s planner and see she has been crossing out or ripping up the pages when Jana writes about her inappropriate behavior. Roxanne’s mother leaves to return home, Jana leaves to return to her classroom and Roxanne will not be leaving to return to public school.

DerMarr’s Mom and Aunt

DerMarr, our wild fifth grader who caused Orientation leader Stephanie to temporarily resign, is still one of our most difficult children. I set up a meeting with his mother and Henry, my school liaison. His mother wisely brings his aunt along. DerMarr’s mother uses profanity almost as often as DerMarr does. I have never seen her smile or even look calm. She is a compact woman who wears a permanent scowl.

Mom starts the meeting demanding we move DerMarr out of “this place” and back to public school. Mom explains she is busy trying to go to college so she can get a job, and has no time for calls about DerMarr’s bad behavior. She tells me she is paying taxes so I can deal with him, not to keep phoning her and asking her to do my job. DerMarr’s aunt interrupts saying she does have the time and she’ll respond when we need help with DerMarr. The aunt is wonderful, articulate and supportive. She renews my hope. We don’t want to give up on DerMarr or suspend him. We agree to continue to use our behavior system with him but when he is out of control, we will warn him that a call to his aunt is imminent and then, if that doesn’t work, we will call her.

By afternoon we have the opportunity to try this new system when DerMarr hurls a wastebasket out of the classroom door. His aunt comes right away and takes him aside to speak with him. He shapes up immediately. It‘s like magic.

Now I can stop worrying that DerMarr will be my first “reject” (I thought DerMarr would be my first student I would have to tell Henry I couldn’t handle and to ask that he place him elsewhere). Jana agrees to take the new, improved DerMarr in her classroom. Stephanie is thrilled to have him out of orientation, finally. DerMarr is excited too.

My Counselors and I discuss the problem of students bouncing between the public schools and Prospect. Rosie and Rusty tell me last year there were several Prospect students who moved back and forth with some regularity. They mention TobyBeth and imply that sooner or later her father will pull her out of Prospect and when he comes to meet with me, they wish me good luck. Their warning has the effect of prejudicing me with a fairly negative opinion of TobyBeth’s father before I even meet him, and my first encounter with TobyBeth’s father does little to change this.

TobyBeth’s Dad

TobyBeth has been at Prospect longer than nearly all the staff. She is a short, round thirteen-year-old white girl. Last year was not a good year for TobyBeth. TobyBeth’s best friend was sexually involved with a man she met on-line. The best friend told the man about TobyBeth and he decided he wanted to meet and have sex with TobyBeth too. Late last school year a man was observed wandering around campus and watching through the fence when students were on the ball field. When asked why he was on campus, the man said he wanted to see TobyBeth. The man’s name wasn’t on the authorized list to pick up TobyBeth. This combined with his scruffy appearance and nervous demeanor made him a suspicious character. The man was detained and the police were called. The man was arrested. A few weeks later TobyBeth’s best friend (the one who tried to introduce her to the child molester) died in a car accident. TobyBeth became suicidal. She started seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants, both of which she still does, although intermittently. Some days she says she can’t stop remembering her friend and the Internet sex man.

Today TobyBeth wrote a one-page suicide note. The counselors and Deputy decide she needs to be Baker Acted. Rosie calls TobyBeth’s father to let him know we are Baker Acting TobyBeth and she will be taken to the hospital. Often the Deputy or hospital makes this call, but since Rosie has worked with TobyBeth for many months, she feels her call will help. TobyBeth has been Baker Acted before and calmly gets into the back seat of the squad car. I am standing in the rain in front of the cinderblock building talking with Rosie and the Deputy when TobyBeth’s father arrives. I have never met TobyBeth’s father. This is a strange introduction.

TobyBeth’s father is wearing sandals, shorts and a dirty sleeveless undershirt stretched taut across his protruding belly. He has no front teeth in the bottom of his mouth and he needs a shave. He is very angry and as he runs across the rainy parking lot he is growling at me. His speech is guttural, grunting and incoherent. I manage to translate enough words to know he thinks I am running an evil school and I am an agent of the devil. One Deputy stays with TobyBeth while the other moves quickly toward TobyBeth’s father. I am glad the Deputy is nearby. As the Deputy works to calm TobyBeth’s father, a woman approaches. She is barefoot and sobbing. Wearing a worn, pink, double-knit pantsuit, she is drenched from the rain. I am not sure but I think she is TobyBeth’s aunt or cousin. She joins the conference with me, TobyBeth’s father and the Deputy. The Deputy tells them they can’t ride with TobyBeth, they can drive behind the police car to the hospital and if they don’t stop carrying on, he’ll call for another squad car and it won’t be taking them to the hospital. TobyBeth’s father and the woman decide to drive behind the squad car to the hospital. TobyBeth’s father removes his shoes and as thunder booms and the rain comes belting down hard, TobyBeth’s father and female relative run barefoot through ankle deep puddles across the parking lot to their car. I feel like I am watching a movie.

The following day TobyBeth’s father arrives at my portable. I am a little worried he will be out of control again and this time there is no Deputy nearby to rescue me. I invite him into my office so we can talk. It is a much better conversation than yesterday. He wants to tell me about TobyBeth’s past with the sexual predator, her many suicide attempts and his concern she’ll succeed at killing herself. He thanks me for getting TobyBeth some long overdue help. He tells me how unhappy he is that Ernie doesn’t work here anymore since Ernie was the hero with the man who was stalking TobyBeth. He also makes a special request, instead of writing notes home in TobyBeth’s planner, could her teachers call home? He and his wife can’t read. Sitting in my office is a man who yesterday, frightened and frustrated me, but now I see him as a concerned, caring father who loves his daughter and doesn’t know how to help her.

What is it that separates the children who misbehave and remain in public school from those who misbehave and are transferred to Prospect? I suspect a key determinant is what parents do when they are called to come meet with school administrators. Do the parents come, and if so, what do they say and do? I know DerMarr’s aunt doesn’t really have magic powers but I suspect if she had been called to DerMarr’s public school when he first started misbehaving, he wouldn’t be here now. Instead DerMarr’s mother was called. A principal who was already frustrated with DerMarr’s behavior found himself facing a belligerent parent exhibiting some of the same behaviors as her son. Principals need to feel they can form a team with parents to help a misbehaving child. Can most principals accurately translate the language of poverty? Unconscious prejudice plays a role. The more the parent across the desk from me is like me, the better we can communicate, the more I can empathize and the more likely I am to give that child a second chance. My first encounter with TobyBeth’s father made me feel like he was from a distant scary planet. It was hard for me to get past the trappings of poverty (his teeth, his apparel, his speech patterns) to see the loving father. Unfortunately I don’t think my realizations about TobyBeth’s father will make future encounters with him easy. But perhaps they will help me get past the huge barriers that divide us, to try to work together for TobyBeth’s sake. Empathy and compassion are a start, but they may not be enough.

It’s different with the students. With students, where others see shortcomings and deficiencies, I see potential. But when it comes to parents, I am often frustrated and sometimes angry. I guess this is because I see my students as suffering the consequences of, or bearing the brunt of their parents’ problems and follies and this makes me angry on their behalf. But I need to move beyond tolerance to acceptance, and I know that unless I work on replacing anger and blame with compassion, my own efforts at “parental involvement” (let alone my staff’s) are not going to get very far.

Fortunately not all parent communication is difficult. Sometimes, in fact, an encounter with a parent actually puts a smile on my face.

Darrin’s Mom

Darrin Lyons’s Mom phones me: “Ms. Smee, I want you to know how much I appreciated the award ceremony. I have never been proud of my son and that night I was so proud I cried. Thank you. Darrin never had comments on his report card before and this report card even had GOOD comments. I felt so proud of your school that night. When I first saw Prospect I thought there’d be fights and I worried about my baby, but now I think Prospect is the best thing that has ever happened to Darrin. Thank you.” No Mrs. Lyons, thank you!