Chapter 33: Guests – the Invited and the Uninvited
My husband flew in last night, the first Thursday in November. We are going to celebrate his birthday this weekend. We have reservations to stay at Disney World for two nights. As I run my laps on this cool November morning I try to anticipate anything that can possibly go wrong today. My worst case scenario is a gaggle of poorly behaved children at dismissal, which will cause the busses to leave late and delay our departure for Disney.
Clearly I have no idea what is inside this finely-wrapped Friday.
Every Friday is Career Day at Prospect School. I schedule people to come talk about their jobs: a typical day at work and the skills and education they needed to get their job. In the beginning of the year I had students make a list of all the jobs they know about and then circle the jobs they would like to have. Their lists were short and pathetic. Many listed the names of retail establishments as though the store or restaurant was the job: McDonalds, KFC, Blockbuster, Wal-Mart. Others picked a place and listed every job there: cashier at Winn Dixie, bag boy at Winn Dixie, donut man at Winn Dixie, cleaner at Winn Dixie or sadder yet: Prison Guard, Prison teacher, Prison Cook…. Some listed sports, teams or leagues: swimmer, runner, jumper, wrestling, pool, basketball, NFL, play running back Others listed jobs of those around them: teacher, principal, policeman, parole officer, tattoo artist. There were the dreamers: TV host, Monster Truck Driver, Movie Star, President, Rapper, or “Brian Sergant.” Many listed, facetiously (or prophetically?) crimes: sell weed, sell dope, sell crack, pimp, deal drugs, bank robber. Friday Career Days are designed to broaden these horizons by exposing students to jobs they didn’t know existed or, if they knew, they didn’t know the details of the work or what skills and education are required.
Recently we’ve had former New York City commissioner of Corrections (and inspiration for television show “The Commish”) Anthony Schembri, State Representative Dennis Baxley and a real hit with the girls, a woman from Barbizon Modeling. The students were riveted when the Herald County Electric Company folks demonstrated the workings of a bucket truck and the Fire Marshall did the same with his fire engine. They were less excited when the woman from the Red Cross brought along the Blood Mobile and they were disappointed the pilot didn’t bring his plane, although none of them expected the ship builder to bring a ship! The wanna-be rappers had a lot of questions for the operations director of a local radio station (even if they do play oldies!). They had a vague idea what the mechanic does as well as the hair stylist but prior to Friday Career Days, they had no idea about the jobs of radiologist or chiropractor. Some of them knew the director of the YMCA and when some brave school board members came, some of the students used the Q&A time to voice some complaints (length of school day, school year etc.)
My students look forward to these speakers and are on their best behavior Friday mornings to earn the privilege of hearing a speaker. And after hearing the speakers, they are willing to write thank you notes with follow-up questions. They tend to stay in the good mode until lunch. Henry, my public school liaison jokes that Prospect students are so good on Friday mornings I should make EVERY day Career Day!
My staff can see these positive changes, but despite my requests for help, few of them arrange for any speakers. I’m not sure why. Maybe they see this as outside their job description or they feel they are too busy. I resent being the only one who schedules speakers, but I am dedicated to Friday Career Days and if I can’t get my team to find speakers, I’ll do it.
On this November Friday we have five speakers:
• A man who raises Alpacas (I read about him in a newsletter)
• Dean, the manager of Books-a-Million where I buy the NY Times daily
• Ward from Merrill Lynch who I met while working on the United Way grant
• Abby, a graphic artist working at a t-shirt shop and the future wife of Jordan, one of my teachers
• My husband, a vice-president in a small telecommunications company
I scramble getting each speaker settled in a classroom (except the Alpaca guy, he gets the spot under the tree) and introducing the students to the speakers. I am in the process of making all the speakers feel comfortable and at ease with my students when I receive an urgent radio transmission from Tara, the curriculum specialist over at Haven High. She says I must come to the Haven High office immediately.
Tara is the one person I trust at the Haven High, so I dash off. When I arrive, the first person I see is a Deputy. Oscar, the Haven High principal, tells me former Prospect employee, Noreen, is coming at 3:15 to pick up her belongings. I am flabbergasted. Why are Oscar, Tara and a Deputy involved in a situation involving my employee, my former employee? I calmly let them know what I told Noreen: that she is not to come on campus while students are present. It seems Noreen contacted the Sheriff’s office and claimed I wouldn’t let her get her belongings and she is so afraid of me she feels she must come on campus while a Deputy is present and since the Deputy leaves at 4:00 she is coming at 3:15. Oscar tells me I am legally obliged to permit her to do this. I offer several suggestions (weekends, evenings) but Oscar is adamant. Finally the Deputy agrees on a compromise. He will inform Noreen she should arrive at 4:00, I will put students on the bus early and the Deputy will stay late. If Noreen arrives early she will stay in the Haven High office until the busses leave.
The whole encounter leaves me shaken and distracted. By the time I get back to my speakers, they are finishing up. I feel like a terrible host; usually I spend time with each speaker listening, taking photos and observing students. I am especially sad to have missed my husband’s presentation. He is not accustomed to talking to adolescents and he was concerned as to whether he could hold their interest. I wasn’t there to help him.
On a positive note, Abby, the fiancé of Jordan, is a huge hit. When Jordan first introduced me to Abby I made the mistake of assuming because she is petite and cute that my students would torment her. I was wrong. Abby is a former alternative school student herself. She was the only white child in an all black alternative school for “bad adolescents” in Alabama. When she talks to the students, they listen. She addresses minor misbehaviors before they become a problem. After an hour she has 25 students who are desperate to become graphic artists. Luke and Preston can’t stop asking Abby questions. Abby suggests a field trip to her studio in Gainesville. I agree to work with her to set it up. I try to convince Abby she’d like to be a teacher. She wouldn’t.
I place a call to Henry, my public school liaison, to let him know of the Oscar/Noreen situation. Henry comes over right away. He tells me Oscar called him earlier to let him know he intended to arrest me for keeping Noreen’s belongings! Henry also tells me former counselor Ernie is somehow involved in this mess. Now I am completely unnerved. Oscar told Henry I am power hungry and unreasonable. Henry asks me if I ever had these types of problems in other places where I worked. Do I have a history of vengeful former employees? No and no. Henry has the power to discipline or at least censure Oscar. Why doesn’t he use this power? I am learning that Henry does not like to make waves.
What will Ernie and Noreen do next? I fear Ernie’s good old boy connections are more powerful than my newly-formed and tenuous relationships.
They’re back….
I have only begun unwrapping this Friday surprise package. About 3:00, Henry and the assistant superintendent, Paul Cook, who also happens to be Oscar’s boss, come to tour the campus. They ask me to act as tour guide. The Assistant Superintendent is looking at the campus as a possible site for another school to open next year. He is also taking his first look at my students and at how well I am running the school. I didn’t know about the tour in advance so I didn’t have a chance to give my staff a heads up. Henry makes positive comments about how orderly my students look and tells Paul what a fine job I’ve done reorganizing the school. A class of students files silently past us, perfectly illustrating Henry’s words. Then a car pulls up. It is former teachers Noreen and Tammie. Unsurprisingly, they’ve arrived early. My single file students break ranks and storm the car. Noreen honks the horn several times and blows kisses from the window. As Noreen and Tammie get out of the car Sonya, the custodian, runs to give Noreen a long hug. It is Ernie deja-vu.
Neeley and his class are on the ball field playing kickball. He can’t contain himself at the sight of his friend, Noreen and the love of his life, Tammie. He waves and, surrounded by his students, starts toward the women. When Neeley sees me standing there with two men in suits (Henry and Paul), he stops and half-heartedly calls his students back to the ball field. As usual, they ignore Neeley and continue to throng, mob and hug Noreen and Tammie. Stone opens his classroom door, looks around to make sure I notice him, then waves and shouts to Noreen and Tammie “Hey, we missed you! You back to stay?”
I stand frozen watching Noreen and Tammie delight in my discomfort and in the adoration of some of their former students. I feel I should take some action to hustle them into the Haven High office but I don’t want to escalate the tension with a volatile encounter, especially not with Henry and Paul looking on. After many long minutes, the door to Haven High opens and Tara comes out. She shoes away the Prospect students and ushers Noreen and Tammie inside.
I look at Paul and Henry to gauge the impact of this drama. Henry catches my eye and raises an eyebrow, but Paul hasn’t noticed anything unusual, he is engrossed in describing to Henry his grand scheme for the future of my campus. My students, staff and I are invisible to Paul as he reveals his plans to start a school exclusively for students who perform poorly on the FCAT’s. Usually I bristle at being so thoroughly ignored, but today I am relieved nothing has penetrated Paul’s monologue. I am even more relieved when Henry and Paul depart before dismissal.
Before I call the busses I give Rusty, Rosie and Lynne a heads-up about Noreen and Tammie. Rosie agrees to keep watch over the doors leading to Haven High, but if Noreen and Tammie emerge during bus departure, there isn’t a lot we can do and undoubtedly it will heighten the usual Friday end-of-day chaos.
Noreen and Tammie don’t make an appearance during dismissal. The busses and staff are able to depart on time without incident. My husband and I are in the Saturn heading south on Florida’s turnpike shortly after 5:00 p.m. During the ninety-minute drive, scenes from the day play and replay in my brain. Should I have said this or done that? I process and reprocess the day, often aloud to my patiently suffering husband, as I try to make sense of and analyze the day’s events. I must be doing something wrong to have so many “ex-employees” with axes to grind. I ruminate, reflect, regurgitate and review both the events of the day and my reactions. My jaw aches from clenching, my temples pound from pondering. Finally we arrive at Disney World and just in the nick of time. A wonderful feature of Disney World is that the minute I step though those gates, past the smiling faces of Mickey and Minnie, all my troubles disappear. Disney is like a drug and today I need a huge dose. Zippidy-doo-dah!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Chapter Thirty-Two: Sex and Violence
Chapter 32: Sex and Violence
October is coming to a close; time to set the clocks back and trick-or-treat. I won’t celebrate Halloween at my school since too many newly-discovered Christians have declared it to be a pagan holiday. I try very hard to balance my own beliefs and philosophy with the cultural norms of Florida and of this community. At times this is not so hard - I am not terribly conflicted about down-playing Halloween (I can resist the temptation to buy jack o’lantern posters and candy corns for the students), but I have a much harder time bowing to community norms when it comes to sex education and corporal punishment.
Abstinence Training
I believe the primary goals of sex education are to keep girls from getting pregnant and to keep boys and girls free of disease. Abstinence is the perfect way to do this. I am fully in favor of abstinence for my students. There are not too many responsible adults who think middle schoolers SHOULD be having sex. However, since I know many of my students are having sex, I question the benefit of abstinence-only sex education. These days, questioning abstinence-only education is akin to questioning the war in Iraq, in the case of the latter you are labeled “unpatriotic” as for the former, you must be an amoral, free–love-hippie.
At least once a week, and usually more often, the local paper has a small article about the arrest of an adult who has had sex with a minor. There are also stories, albeit less frequently, detailing sex acts in the Herald County public schools: during a class video a fifteen-year-old girl performed oral sex on a fifteen-year-old male classmate; two middle schoolers had sex behind a portable while seven of their peers watched, a 14 year old girl performed oral sex on three boys on the bus; a middle school boy forcefully dragged a girl into the boys’ bathroom to fondle her. After each of these stories runs, angry letters appear on the editorial page from citizens who believe these problems are because of sex education in the classroom and a lack of prayer and religion in schools. A school board member bangs his fist and says: “The chickens have come home to roost – we had a President who engaged in these behaviors and now our students are doing the same. The preachers need to address this from their pulpits.” The daily paper runs an editorial calling for more arrests of these sexually precocious children.
The public school children who engage in these sex acts are usually expelled and end up in an alternative school, some at Prospect.
I don’t have all the answers to the problems of inappropriate and illegal sex, but I am certain more, not less, sex education is part of the solution. But given the community values, I have to compromise. I continue to have my counselors, Rosie and Rusty, talk about safe sex in counseling sessions, but I also schedule Mallory from the Herald County Health Department and her abstinence training classes.
Abstinence is an eight-week course. Mallory supervises high school volunteers who instruct lessons using videos, pamphlets and structured discussion sessions. Mallory is eager to work with my students; she knows they are at high risk for sexually transmitted diseases and teen pregnancy. Mallory feels the sessions should be segregated by gender. We plan to start with a small group of girls, once a week on Friday afternoons. On the first Friday we are short staffed. Mallory and her team say they are comfortable running the class without a Prospect teacher in the room. Mallory will be here with three high schoolers and eight of our girls.
Abstinence lesson one doesn’t go well. The girls mutiny and the high school volunteers leave in tears. Mallory is appalled. I blame myself for not putting a staff member in the room. Mallory is willing to try again with a staff member present. Counselor Rosie joins the girls and threatens sanctions if they riot again. In Abstinence lesson two, the girls are a little better but still not good. Mallory and her team quit after Abstinence lesson three. Mallory calls me to brainstorm options. Would a different day, time or grouping work better? Should we mix genders? I look at the girls who were in the room: Karla, Selma, Roxanne, Chloe, Tyryona, Estralitta, Alexia/Pilar, Adoncia. How many have been raped or sexually assaulted by step parents, relatives or boyfriends? In fact, my students are not all that unique in this respect, they reflect the statistics for all sexually active adolescent girls: 10% say their first sexual encounter was non-voluntary while 25% say their first sexual partner was four or more years older than they were. Given the nature of my students’ sexual experiences, how realistic is it to talk about abstinence?
I am reminded again of that article about married women in Lesotho who exchange “sexual favors”: for rent, transportation, etc. But you don’t have to go to Lesotho to find desperate females who have relationships with males to meet their basic needs. I think about Lorayne, living with her aged grandmother in the forest, their only vehicle a broken down pickup truck without a hood. Perpetually hungry, no coat in the winter. Then along comes a 44 year old man who wants to be her boyfriend. Forget abstinence, this is a meal ticket, a new pickup truck, a warm sweater. Too often I hear adults, even well-meaning adults who work with troubled youths, allude to these sexually active adolescent girls as pleasure seeking nymphs, but just like their own mothers who tell me they won’t banish their abusive boyfriends and husbands “because they put food on the table” how many sexually active girls have boyfriends for the same reason? When the safety net has holes, there are many ways to fill them.
I tell Mallory I’ll have to get back to her about rescheduling more abstinence training– I don’t.
Whuppins
Like sex education, corporal punishment is an area in which my beliefs differ from those of the community in which I work. My opinion, that it is never okay to hit a child, is viewed as extremist and irresponsible. Most of the residents of Lakeboro believe in the redeeming value of punishment and are certain that if they spare the rod, they will spoil the child.
One Saturday, my husband and I browse slowly through the aisles of the outdoor Lakeboro Art show. A booth is selling decorative brooms that are hand carved with fancy, intricate designs. A child walks by, stops, points and says, “Mama, look at them spanking sticks.”
In the grocery store I hear a mother talking to her friends about hitting her three year old son. When he is fresh she reprimands him. He laughs when she chastises him but then she gets the paddle and hits him and hits him and hits him and that sure stops him from laughing. But, she adds, she has to make sure she stops hitting him before it leaves marks or she’ll have “more trouble on her hands.”
Hitting children is acceptable, encouraged and frequently practiced here in central Florida. Not a day goes by that a staff member, deputy, parent or public school employee (including our custodians) says something to the effect of:
These bad kids wouldn’t be here (wouldn’t be bad), if someone (presumably their parents) gave them a whupping (took a belt to their behind, tore up their butt etc.).
Darius tells me his foster mother is a teacher in a Baptist School in town. One of the Darius’s foster brothers attends this school. Does Darius wish to go there? No! They give whuppins there, on your bare butt. Darius’s foster brother got one last week and it hurt real bad and if you start to cry they hit you harder. Darius reports it left marks on his foster brother’s butt and Darius knows, he’s seen them.
Even Dr. Henry Sevier, my public school liaison, the person in charge of alternative education for the school system and a person for whom I have great respect, calls for beating children. He and I are engaged in a discussion of meaningful consequences for poorly behaved students when he says he wants to remind me that corporal punishment is legal in Florida and I might want to consider it. His words form another crack in the growing gap between how Henry and I view my students.
No I don’t wish to beat my students or any children for that matter. But that doesn’t stop “whuppins” from making regular appearances on my campus.
One afternoon while trying to calm three poorly behaving elementary students on the bus, Rusty gets a “suggestion” from one of the older boys that he give the little boys a “whuppin’” with a belt. The boy offers up his own belt to take care of the matter, but Rusty politely declines the offer. Instead he threatens vague and awful outcomes if there are any further problems on this bus and sends the driver on her way. The bus departs, and we cross our fingers.
The bus returns 45 minutes later. It seems enroute home the middle school boys determined some of the younger children did, in fact, need a whuppin’ so they removed their belts and began whipping the elementary students, who began racing around the bus to avoid the swinging belts.
Rusty and I confiscate all the belts, much to the anger of many “innocent” students. The bus does not return again, but my phone rings and rings. Parents call to complain about the late bus, missing belts and to curse at the principal.
Another day, I am sitting at my desk when an old, thin, black man walks in. Lynne recognizes him and shows him where to sign in. I am working on the schedule but there is something unusual about the man, so after he leaves I ask Lynne who he is.
“It’s Nishonda’s grandfather.”
“Why is he here?”
“Nishonda has her uniform with her, but she refuses to change into it. I think Rusty called the grandfather to come talk some sense into her. Nishonda’s been sitting in Rusty’s office all morning. I sent her grandfather over there just now.”
“What was that thing he was carrying? It looked like he had something in his hand.”
“A strap.”
“A strap?”
“I suppose to hit Nishonda.”
In a panic I radio Rusty. I picture Nishonda’s grandfather storming into the counseling portable, swinging his strap, belting kids left and right as he aims for Nishonda. Rusty responds to my urgent walkie-talkie message by phone. He tells me not to worry, Nishonda’s grandfather already arrived, took Nishonda out back and now she is changing into her uniform and will soon return to class.
Out back?!
I am totally unnerved that a man just came on my campus and hit one of my students with a belt. It seems, however, I am the only one who thinks this is odd or wrong.
Nishonda was the first, but as the year progresses, there are more. I am guilty of being part of the problem since I don’t work very hard to stop it. Parents come on campus when called to deal with a misbehaving child and in the process of counseling their child, give the child a beating. I never witness this directly; I’d like to think if I did I would stop it. These events tend to happen in the counseling office or the parents take the child in the bathroom or out back behind the school. I want to forbid it, but I fear I would be unable to enforce the rule and my staff would continue to permit it and just not tell me. The culture here dictates hitting children is not just a right, it is what God requires of good parents. I’ve come to view this drive to punish as an innate desire for revenge.
Revenge and Punishment: Whatever happened to Empathy?
I once read an article in the New York Times that said revenge is in our genes and there is a “biologically rooted sense of justice.” If the desire to punish naughty children is seen as equivalent to the innate desire for revenge, it helps explain the passionate fervor I hear in the voices of parents, school board members and public school employees when they discuss the need to punish the bad children. The antidote for revenge, according to this same article, is to work on feeling empathy for the other person. Empathy! I very rarely hear anyone associated with Herald County Public Schools expressing anything approaching empathy for my students. They’re weeds, they’re evil, they’re vile, they’re disruptive, they’re vulgar. Where is the empathy? I know finding empathy can be hard. I struggle daily to empathize with the Prospect parents who clearly need my understanding instead of my anger. But when it comes to my students, it feels like no one in the community is even trying to find empathy. And anyway, revenge or not, no one seems to appreciate the incredible irony that most of my students’ parents have been beating them for years and yet they still misbehave.
October is coming to a close; time to set the clocks back and trick-or-treat. I won’t celebrate Halloween at my school since too many newly-discovered Christians have declared it to be a pagan holiday. I try very hard to balance my own beliefs and philosophy with the cultural norms of Florida and of this community. At times this is not so hard - I am not terribly conflicted about down-playing Halloween (I can resist the temptation to buy jack o’lantern posters and candy corns for the students), but I have a much harder time bowing to community norms when it comes to sex education and corporal punishment.
Abstinence Training
I believe the primary goals of sex education are to keep girls from getting pregnant and to keep boys and girls free of disease. Abstinence is the perfect way to do this. I am fully in favor of abstinence for my students. There are not too many responsible adults who think middle schoolers SHOULD be having sex. However, since I know many of my students are having sex, I question the benefit of abstinence-only sex education. These days, questioning abstinence-only education is akin to questioning the war in Iraq, in the case of the latter you are labeled “unpatriotic” as for the former, you must be an amoral, free–love-hippie.
At least once a week, and usually more often, the local paper has a small article about the arrest of an adult who has had sex with a minor. There are also stories, albeit less frequently, detailing sex acts in the Herald County public schools: during a class video a fifteen-year-old girl performed oral sex on a fifteen-year-old male classmate; two middle schoolers had sex behind a portable while seven of their peers watched, a 14 year old girl performed oral sex on three boys on the bus; a middle school boy forcefully dragged a girl into the boys’ bathroom to fondle her. After each of these stories runs, angry letters appear on the editorial page from citizens who believe these problems are because of sex education in the classroom and a lack of prayer and religion in schools. A school board member bangs his fist and says: “The chickens have come home to roost – we had a President who engaged in these behaviors and now our students are doing the same. The preachers need to address this from their pulpits.” The daily paper runs an editorial calling for more arrests of these sexually precocious children.
The public school children who engage in these sex acts are usually expelled and end up in an alternative school, some at Prospect.
I don’t have all the answers to the problems of inappropriate and illegal sex, but I am certain more, not less, sex education is part of the solution. But given the community values, I have to compromise. I continue to have my counselors, Rosie and Rusty, talk about safe sex in counseling sessions, but I also schedule Mallory from the Herald County Health Department and her abstinence training classes.
Abstinence is an eight-week course. Mallory supervises high school volunteers who instruct lessons using videos, pamphlets and structured discussion sessions. Mallory is eager to work with my students; she knows they are at high risk for sexually transmitted diseases and teen pregnancy. Mallory feels the sessions should be segregated by gender. We plan to start with a small group of girls, once a week on Friday afternoons. On the first Friday we are short staffed. Mallory and her team say they are comfortable running the class without a Prospect teacher in the room. Mallory will be here with three high schoolers and eight of our girls.
Abstinence lesson one doesn’t go well. The girls mutiny and the high school volunteers leave in tears. Mallory is appalled. I blame myself for not putting a staff member in the room. Mallory is willing to try again with a staff member present. Counselor Rosie joins the girls and threatens sanctions if they riot again. In Abstinence lesson two, the girls are a little better but still not good. Mallory and her team quit after Abstinence lesson three. Mallory calls me to brainstorm options. Would a different day, time or grouping work better? Should we mix genders? I look at the girls who were in the room: Karla, Selma, Roxanne, Chloe, Tyryona, Estralitta, Alexia/Pilar, Adoncia. How many have been raped or sexually assaulted by step parents, relatives or boyfriends? In fact, my students are not all that unique in this respect, they reflect the statistics for all sexually active adolescent girls: 10% say their first sexual encounter was non-voluntary while 25% say their first sexual partner was four or more years older than they were. Given the nature of my students’ sexual experiences, how realistic is it to talk about abstinence?
I am reminded again of that article about married women in Lesotho who exchange “sexual favors”: for rent, transportation, etc. But you don’t have to go to Lesotho to find desperate females who have relationships with males to meet their basic needs. I think about Lorayne, living with her aged grandmother in the forest, their only vehicle a broken down pickup truck without a hood. Perpetually hungry, no coat in the winter. Then along comes a 44 year old man who wants to be her boyfriend. Forget abstinence, this is a meal ticket, a new pickup truck, a warm sweater. Too often I hear adults, even well-meaning adults who work with troubled youths, allude to these sexually active adolescent girls as pleasure seeking nymphs, but just like their own mothers who tell me they won’t banish their abusive boyfriends and husbands “because they put food on the table” how many sexually active girls have boyfriends for the same reason? When the safety net has holes, there are many ways to fill them.
I tell Mallory I’ll have to get back to her about rescheduling more abstinence training– I don’t.
Whuppins
Like sex education, corporal punishment is an area in which my beliefs differ from those of the community in which I work. My opinion, that it is never okay to hit a child, is viewed as extremist and irresponsible. Most of the residents of Lakeboro believe in the redeeming value of punishment and are certain that if they spare the rod, they will spoil the child.
One Saturday, my husband and I browse slowly through the aisles of the outdoor Lakeboro Art show. A booth is selling decorative brooms that are hand carved with fancy, intricate designs. A child walks by, stops, points and says, “Mama, look at them spanking sticks.”
In the grocery store I hear a mother talking to her friends about hitting her three year old son. When he is fresh she reprimands him. He laughs when she chastises him but then she gets the paddle and hits him and hits him and hits him and that sure stops him from laughing. But, she adds, she has to make sure she stops hitting him before it leaves marks or she’ll have “more trouble on her hands.”
Hitting children is acceptable, encouraged and frequently practiced here in central Florida. Not a day goes by that a staff member, deputy, parent or public school employee (including our custodians) says something to the effect of:
These bad kids wouldn’t be here (wouldn’t be bad), if someone (presumably their parents) gave them a whupping (took a belt to their behind, tore up their butt etc.).
Darius tells me his foster mother is a teacher in a Baptist School in town. One of the Darius’s foster brothers attends this school. Does Darius wish to go there? No! They give whuppins there, on your bare butt. Darius’s foster brother got one last week and it hurt real bad and if you start to cry they hit you harder. Darius reports it left marks on his foster brother’s butt and Darius knows, he’s seen them.
Even Dr. Henry Sevier, my public school liaison, the person in charge of alternative education for the school system and a person for whom I have great respect, calls for beating children. He and I are engaged in a discussion of meaningful consequences for poorly behaved students when he says he wants to remind me that corporal punishment is legal in Florida and I might want to consider it. His words form another crack in the growing gap between how Henry and I view my students.
No I don’t wish to beat my students or any children for that matter. But that doesn’t stop “whuppins” from making regular appearances on my campus.
One afternoon while trying to calm three poorly behaving elementary students on the bus, Rusty gets a “suggestion” from one of the older boys that he give the little boys a “whuppin’” with a belt. The boy offers up his own belt to take care of the matter, but Rusty politely declines the offer. Instead he threatens vague and awful outcomes if there are any further problems on this bus and sends the driver on her way. The bus departs, and we cross our fingers.
The bus returns 45 minutes later. It seems enroute home the middle school boys determined some of the younger children did, in fact, need a whuppin’ so they removed their belts and began whipping the elementary students, who began racing around the bus to avoid the swinging belts.
Rusty and I confiscate all the belts, much to the anger of many “innocent” students. The bus does not return again, but my phone rings and rings. Parents call to complain about the late bus, missing belts and to curse at the principal.
Another day, I am sitting at my desk when an old, thin, black man walks in. Lynne recognizes him and shows him where to sign in. I am working on the schedule but there is something unusual about the man, so after he leaves I ask Lynne who he is.
“It’s Nishonda’s grandfather.”
“Why is he here?”
“Nishonda has her uniform with her, but she refuses to change into it. I think Rusty called the grandfather to come talk some sense into her. Nishonda’s been sitting in Rusty’s office all morning. I sent her grandfather over there just now.”
“What was that thing he was carrying? It looked like he had something in his hand.”
“A strap.”
“A strap?”
“I suppose to hit Nishonda.”
In a panic I radio Rusty. I picture Nishonda’s grandfather storming into the counseling portable, swinging his strap, belting kids left and right as he aims for Nishonda. Rusty responds to my urgent walkie-talkie message by phone. He tells me not to worry, Nishonda’s grandfather already arrived, took Nishonda out back and now she is changing into her uniform and will soon return to class.
Out back?!
I am totally unnerved that a man just came on my campus and hit one of my students with a belt. It seems, however, I am the only one who thinks this is odd or wrong.
Nishonda was the first, but as the year progresses, there are more. I am guilty of being part of the problem since I don’t work very hard to stop it. Parents come on campus when called to deal with a misbehaving child and in the process of counseling their child, give the child a beating. I never witness this directly; I’d like to think if I did I would stop it. These events tend to happen in the counseling office or the parents take the child in the bathroom or out back behind the school. I want to forbid it, but I fear I would be unable to enforce the rule and my staff would continue to permit it and just not tell me. The culture here dictates hitting children is not just a right, it is what God requires of good parents. I’ve come to view this drive to punish as an innate desire for revenge.
Revenge and Punishment: Whatever happened to Empathy?
I once read an article in the New York Times that said revenge is in our genes and there is a “biologically rooted sense of justice.” If the desire to punish naughty children is seen as equivalent to the innate desire for revenge, it helps explain the passionate fervor I hear in the voices of parents, school board members and public school employees when they discuss the need to punish the bad children. The antidote for revenge, according to this same article, is to work on feeling empathy for the other person. Empathy! I very rarely hear anyone associated with Herald County Public Schools expressing anything approaching empathy for my students. They’re weeds, they’re evil, they’re vile, they’re disruptive, they’re vulgar. Where is the empathy? I know finding empathy can be hard. I struggle daily to empathize with the Prospect parents who clearly need my understanding instead of my anger. But when it comes to my students, it feels like no one in the community is even trying to find empathy. And anyway, revenge or not, no one seems to appreciate the incredible irony that most of my students’ parents have been beating them for years and yet they still misbehave.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Chapter Thirty-One: All in a Day's Work
Chapter 31: All in a Day’s Work
4:00 a.m.
The buzzer sounds and snap, I’m out of bed. Step one, retrieve the newspaper from outside my apartment door. I love having the local paper delivered before I awaken so I can be aware of all the news by the time I arrive at school. Did a relative of one of my students get arrested? Was there an incident in the public schools and the child or children involved will soon be coming my way? Is there a national or international story I want my staff to discuss in class? The paper arrives about 3:30 a.m.; I’ve heard the thump in the hallway. Most people in Lakeboro don’t get the paper quite so early. I wonder if my paper deliverer lives in my apartment complex. Now if only I could get the NY Times delivered….
It is mid-October, but it is already 72 degrees before the sun rises. My morning run of 6 miles is slower than I want. It is steamy and humid with heavy fog. I run past Carolyn, one of my bus drivers, slowly navigating our Prospect school bus out of the parking lot. After my shower, I put on my short-sleeved lime green suit over a sleeveless off -white blouse. I am now ready to handle whatever this day holds for me.
7:00 a.m.
There is a flood underneath the portable that is my office. Vince, the custodian, informs me a water pipe broke and all the water for campus has been shut off. No water fountains, no toilets. It should be fixed soon. . . .
Shandon’s mother is waiting on the doorstep when I arrive at school and she is irate. It seems her son is the last child dropped off the bus in the afternoons. I express sympathy and suggest we all talk with Shasta, my transportation coordinator, to see what we can do. She refuses to speak with Shasta saying Shasta doesn’t have any children and therefore can’t understand (actually Shasta has a six year old son, Quinn); she will only speak with me. I listen and promise to call her later after I talk with Shasta.
8:00 a.m.
In the morning meeting I introduce our newest teacher, Sam Hughes. Sam, a white, thirty-something, former military man, will be a math teacher. Sam has never taught math; his last job was as an investigator at DCF, but he has a degree in business and has been taking education courses to become a certified math teacher. Sam is chatty and likes to talk about his wife, children, stepchildren and house repairs. During the interviews (both phone and face-to-face) my impression of Sam is that he genuinely wants to teach and enjoys helping children learn new skills. He is focused on discipline and referenced his military service as a model for creating a productive learning environment. However I sense that Sam accepted this job more to escape DCF than because of his drive to teach challenging students. During the interview, he is just a little too eager to tell me, unprompted, about the horrors of his DCF job. I am a little concerned about his ability to form relationships with our students, but I hope that by assigning him to the Daphne and Jordan team, they will mentor and coach Sam on this since it is an area of strength for both of them. I think the three of them will work well together. In the morning meeting, we do what we always do with new staff; we go around the table introducing ourselves and telling what we do at Prospect. When it comes to Stone he always says something vaguely inappropriate. Today he says “I don’t do anything here, ask Kathleen. I hate the kids and they hate me.” Then, for good measure, Stone ends his introduction punching his fist in the air and declaring: “The South will rise again.”
After the introductions, Rosie asks if we can discuss fourteen-year-old Lorayne. Before the school year started, I envisioned morning meetings including a discussion of a different student each day. The reality: often there is no time in our morning meetings for discussions of individual students; we have so many pressing problems and vital information to convey. But sometimes a student is our pressing problem and we are able to devote a few minutes to a discussion of that student. Today Rosie tells us Lorayne, of tongue ring fame, has been absent a lot recently. When she does show up, she is never in uniform and has prominent circles under her eyes. Yvonne interrupts to say she has had trouble getting in touch with the woman Lorayne calls mother but who is really her grandmother. Stephanie interjects that she heard Lorayne’s grandmother is in the hospital. If the grandmother is in the hospital, with whom is Lorayne living?
We will get our answer soon.
8:40 a.m.
Lorayne is dropped off at school by a man in a grey pickup truck. When Rosie asks, Lorayne identifies him as her boyfriend, proudly adding that he is 44 years old and they are living together. Rosie calls DCF. She gets the impression this case won’t be a priority. Rosie tells our Deputy and he calls DCF. They promise to have someone come out to our school. They don’t. We hold out hope until mid-afternoon when the Deputy takes matters into his own hands.
8:50 a.m.
Noreen is back after her bout with strep throat. She has been absent since the first quarter Award Ceremony. She and I need to talk. I ask her about the missed Award ceremony. She tells me she was at the hospital that night because her finger broke when she played basketball with our students. Her finger is taped, but I don’t believe her. I question why she didn’t phone me from the emergency room. She says she forgot her cell phone; she says she didn’t have a quarter for the pay phone; she says she forgot my phone number. I tell her I need to see the discharge papers from the hospital and Noreen hands them to me. Everything is in order except at the bottom of the page, next to the signature lines. It doesn’t take a professional sleuth to see that the Emergency Room diagnostic form has been altered. When Noreen leaves my office, I ask Lynne, my business manager, to phone the hospital while I dash outside for bus duty.
9:05 a.m.
It is a beautiful late autumn morning; 78 degrees under a cloudless sky. My sleepy students groggily emerge from their busses and float blissfully toward their waiting teachers. Ooops, scratch that. My bleary-eyed, grouchy children slump off the bus where they are abruptly awakened by a loose dog spotted on campus. Pandemonium breaks out. Students shout at the dog trying to either call it or terrorize it. Some try to run after it. Over 120 students gallivanting after one dog defines chaos. Counselor Rusty and the Deputy become involved. Several students contend they know the dog’s owner abuses it and they have seen the owner throw the dog over the fence onto our property when the dog is bad. They don’t want the dog returned. The teachers finally summon the strength to herd all the students into their lines. Rusty, my dog-loving counselor, goes after the dog using cheese as bait and a belt as a lasso and disappears from sight.
With students finally lined up behind their teachers, Daphne and Jordan’s classes are introduced to Sam. Darius shakes Sam’s hand, but he doesn’t look pleased. A new teacher is a change. Darius does not like change; not surprising from a child who has been in so many foster homes. After the introduction, Darius hurls rocks at another student and sprints away toward south campus.
I can’t take up the chase, because I have my hands full with two elementary students. Frankie, my sad-faced fourth grader with both parents in jail, got off the bus with his shirt untucked. I greet him with “good morning” but Frankie gives no smile or response. I ask him to please tuck in his shirt and Frankie tells me if he does he’ll throw up. I tell him to tuck in his shirt. He does. He throws up. Right there in the parking lot.
Meanwhile, Chip, our newest elementary student who lives with his grandparents in a retirement village, gets off the bus with a bloody face. Chip is a large, white, fifth grade boy who is usually morose and quick to anger. It seems he scratched his cheeks all the way to school. He says he did this because he is scared of our school.
Wild dog, rocks, vomit and bloody cheeks, all before 9:30 am.
9:30 a.m.
Lynne informs me that privacy laws forbid the hospital from sharing any information, but Lynne is able to get the hospital to confirm that Noreen was seen on Friday night, not Thursday night, the night of our ceremony. I confront Noreen. She insists she went to the hospital on Thursday and when I ask, she signs a release for the hospital to give me access to her records. I fax over the release as soon as she leaves my office and the records come back showing she was seen late Friday night and treated for a possible broken finger.
9:40 a.m.
There are painters scraping paint in the cafeteria when it’s time for the students to eat breakfast. I ask them to wait but they point out when our last group finishes breakfast we have only twenty minutes, at most, before we start serving lunch. They tell me they have orders to get this room scraped today. The students complain the scraping sound is giving them headaches. I worry about lead dust and paint chips in the food. Outside the cafeteria other workers are removing asbestos from the ceiling tiles. I suggest this is not a good thing to do when my students and staff are around. They shrug and tell me Agnes, the secretary from Haven High, told them it must be done today. Good ole Agnes. While trying to negotiate with the asbestos men, I remember I have a 10:00 meeting and dash off.
10:00 a.m.
I am meeting with Sonya and Vince, the custodians. There is a problem with toilet paper shortages. I try to make the meeting non-threatening but it gets ugly fast. Sonya is belligerent and instead of talking about toilet paper she makes personal attacks on the teachers she believes “snitched” about the lack of toilet paper.
Rusty interrupts the Vince and Sonya meeting to tell me he just caught the wild dog and he will now drive it to his house until the owner can be found and the abuse situation examined.
10:15 a.m.
Chloe is still crying. She cried when she got off the bus, cried through breakfast and was crying in Social Studies. Rosie is counseling Darius (he didn’t run far after the rock throwing incident) and Rusty is kidnapping a dog, so Chloe, the girl DCF promised wouldn’t have to live with her abusive mother but then placed her there anyway, is in my office, crying. Chloe tells me she is crying because her boyfriend, Seth, was arrested on the bus yesterday.
Yesterday afternoon, halfway through the bus route home, Seth, whose mother is in a wheelchair, inexplicably ran up the bus aisle and punched Glenn in the face. Glenn, the boy who forgot Boston is the capital of Massachusetts, is half Seth’s size: Why would Seth do this? I wonder if Seth picked up on the cues from staff that Glenn is not well liked and therefore an appropriate target. When Glenn’s mother saw his bloodied face she insisted the bus driver call the police. They arrested Seth directly from the bus. Chloe is crying because she thinks Seth now has enough arrest points to send him packing to a “program.” No one called Seth’s mother. The deputies at the Juvenile Assessment Center “forgot.” The bus driver didn’t think that was her job. Last night Seth’s mother phoned Chloe at 4 am to ask her if she knew where Seth was. Chloe’s mother (“I wish I’d had an abortion instead of having you”) decides if Seth’s mother thinks Seth could be with Chloe at 4:00 am then they must be sleeping together. They fight. Chloe has been crying ever since.
10:30 a.m.
The Boss calls telling me I must immediately call Virginia, the Ebencorp accountant, about some financial reports. Virginia frequently phones The Boss to tell him to tell me to call her. I wonder why Virginia doesn’t call me directly? I’ve given her my cell phone number. I ask The Boss if we can discuss the Noreen situation and possible outcomes. He says I should call HR, but not now. Right now, he says, I need to focus on the financial reports. I hang up and call Virginia. As usual she is behind in her paperwork and frantic. She shouts at me about some documents Lynne was supposed to send her. I know those documents were faxed over a week ago. Virginia then complains about not having her own fax machine and how other people take her stuff. I ask Lynne to fax them again.
I receive an email from The Boss. It tells me I am mandated to attend a week-long meeting at Ebencorp headquarters two weeks from now. This makes me most unhappy – not only do I worry about what will happen at school if I’m gone for a week, but I am having such a hard time working for The Boss. I don’t appreciate his approach whether he is sending me an email rather then talking to me, or when he makes demands rather than engaging in discussions. I was never in the military. I grew up in Concord, Massachusetts and learned to swim in Walden Pond; civil disobedience is in my blood. My adolescence was shaped by Vietnam and Watergate; I naturally question authority. I don’t do well with “orders that must be obeyed.” I especially question orders that will take me away from my campus for five days without telling me the value of that absence. Part of me says I should just shut up and go to Ebencorp to keep The Boss happy; I find it difficult to listen to that voice.
10:45 a.m.
Rosie asks if we can talk about Adoncia and Alexia/Pilar. Rosie believes these two street-tough Hispanic girls would benefit from an all-girl environment. I agree. Since I have been unable to start a single sex classroom here at Prospect, we discuss SBAA, the alternative school that contracts with the Herald County to educate forty girls. I have attended many principal meetings with the SBAA principal, I call her to try to get the ball started on moving Alexia/Pilar and Adoncia.
11:00 a.m.
Rusty is finally back from the canine capture. He says we need to talk about Aidan.
Aidan can’t stop. He can’t stop talking, or running or jumping off his desk or drumming his fingers or falling out of his chair. Aidan is a small thirteen year old white boy who looks more like a fourth grader than a seventh grader. He is good-natured and rarely curses. Aidan’s father makes too much money for Florida’s free child health care plan but not enough money to pay for doctor bills for his son’s hyperactivity. Aidan’s stepmother is not fond of Aidan. Actually that is not entirely accurate. She speaks of Aidan as one speaks of a palmetto bug. It’s not that she isn’t fond of him, she just doesn’t see the value in having him around. And so we learn not to share any frustrations about Aidan’s behavior with his stepmother. We suspect she abuses him but suspicion without proof makes it a waste to call DCF, since even when we have proof....
Without family support we are left on our own to help Aidan. Fortunately, Aidan has bonded with Rusty, so we try having Aidan stay in class for as long as the teacher can tolerate him and then having him spend time with Rusty. Aidan loves to help sweep, pick up trash, wash walls. The problem is, when Aidan is campus handyman, Aidan isn’t learning.
Today Rusty and I sit down and devise a unique schedule for Aidan. He won’t change classes with his peers every hour for math, language arts, social studies and science. We arrange to have him moving every 15 minutes or so, thus he will experience four different English classes, four math classes etc. This way no teacher will get too frustrated with Aidan and he will be able to run a bit between classes and maybe, despite all the fragmentation, he will learn. Rusty will roll out the new schedule in our morning meeting tomorrow.
11:30 a.m.
Noreen comes in my office saying she spoke with Billie, my PE teacher and wanna-be attorney. Billie has advised Noreen to rescind her signed release for hospital records. I tell her I have already received the documents. Noreen leaves my office. I contact Leighton, the HR guy at Ebencorp. I want to know if I have his support in firing Noreen. He tells me to ask The Boss. I call and reach his voice mail.
12:00 p.m.
Midge, my elementary teacher, comes in my office. She is overwhelmed and thinks she is a failure. I go in her classroom and teach a lesson on palindromes to demonstrate how to teach and maintain discipline simultaneously. Afterwards we talk; Midge is unable or unwilling to note what I do differently from what she does so I identify some differences: I keep moving around the classroom as I talk, never turning my back on the class. I vary the tone and volume of my voice and express boundless enthusiasm. I intercede to stop minor misbehaviors before they become major, such as when Kareem began to wave the periwinkle crayon at Trey as if it were a knife. When I point out these specifics, Midge becomes defensive saying she always does all those things.
After Midge leaves, although I feel frustrated that my attempt to role model good teacher techniques didn’t seem to work well with her, I feel invigorated from teaching the palindrome lesson. I love teaching and I’m excited when I can make time to demonstrate effective teaching methods. This role modeling also gives me credibility as I show teachers I am willing to go to the “front lines” and do what I ask of them. Several years ago, when I worked at a Verizon call center, I wanted to train my team by having them observe me handle some customer calls, but in the unionized environment, I wasn’t permitted to do so because then a manager would be doing union work. Then there was a strike and during the strike I had to take calls. When the union employees returned to work after the strike, I shared with them the printouts showing the number of calls I took per hour and per day. They were impressed and my rapport with my team increased as did the quality and quantity of their work.
I begin to think about lessons I’d like to do in other classrooms but my ruminations are interrupted by the phone.
1:00 p.m.
Caleb’s mother is crying on the phone again. They had a bad weekend. Caleb and his stepfather fought and they were still shouting before school this morning. His stepfather told Caleb “You’re setting yourself up to fail.” Caleb told his mother he won’t be coming home this afternoon or ever.
I promise Mom I’ll speak with Caleb. She cautions me about his dishonesty and confesses, “Caleb’s games with communication almost broke up our marriage last year.”
Who has ceded such power to Caleb?
I mention to Yvonne to keep an eye on Caleb today so he doesn’t run away from school. She tells me she spoke to him and he told her how much he hates his stepfather and how he plans to hide at dismissal and then sneak back into a portable and spend the night here.
I call Caleb to my office. He tells me how much he hates me, the school and his stepfather. He hates me for firing Ernie. Caleb explains he was here last year and when things didn’t work out in public school this year, he asked to come back because he remembered how good it was with Mr. Mel and Mr. Ernie, but I ruined everything. What does Caleb not hate? He wants to join the Sea Cadets; he wants a career in the navy. After a long talk Caleb still hates me but he doesn’t plan to sleep in a portable tonight, or so he says. We’ll have to watch him.
1:30 p.m.
Stone stops by to let me know Dirk’s mother came in this morning to say she is withdrawing Dirk and putting him back in public school. Dirk, the boy who is too lazy to stand and who hopes to achieve porn star status one day, is not ready to return to public school. Stone tells Dirk’s mother as much and suggests she come speak with me. She tells Stone she knows her rights and she has decided to withdraw him. Goodbye Dirk. I call Dirk’s public school principal, to give him a heads-up. Dirk’s principal thanks me for the call. He knows Dirk well; he predicts Dirk will be back at Prospect.
2:20 p.m.
With no sign of DCF, The Deputy decides to handle the “Lorayne and the older boyfriend” situation on his own. He calls Lorayne in to chat with him. He asks whether her boyfriend forces her to have sex or whether she wants to. She insists he does not force her. Bingo. The Deputy arranges to have this conversation repeated and video taped. Lorayne has never heard of statutory rape, but the Deputy has and when the police pick up the 44 year old “boyfriend” he hears about it too. Now DCF gets involved. Lorayne is moved to a foster home in another county. We won’t see her again for a while. Goodbye Lorayne.
3:30 p.m.
I finally hear back from The Boss. After much discussion he agrees to back my decision. After the students leave, I fire Noreen.
In truth, I have very mixed feelings about firing her. Noreen really is a terrific math teacher. Her students love her, her math projects are creative and she knows her subject. But she is dishonest. I have a better chance at teaching the uninitiated how to teach than teaching teachers how to behave ethically. Noreen doesn’t accept the firing well. She refuses to take her belongings saying first her car is too small, then that she has to pick up her children. I ask her what her plan will be for getting her possessions, and she tells me Neeley will take them to her. I let her know she may not come on campus while students are present. As she leaves I feel drained and defeated. I think I care more about Noreen losing her job than she does.
4:45 p.m.
Just when you think it is safe, a bus returns. Kelli brings her bus back to the school and refuses to take home five girls who won’t sit down. She doesn’t want to wait while they are counseled or disciplined. Luckily Rosie and Rusty are still on campus. We take turns scrambling to call parents and guardians to come pick up the girls. We get everyone picked up except Adoncia.
Adoncia, the girl from Brownsville, Texas who was living with an uncle and the uncle’s girlfriend, divulges she is now living with a family the girlfriend knows. We were unaware of this move. This new family has three young children and Adoncia is supposed to baby-sit them. The family lives in another county and has been driving Adoncia to her regular bus stop each morning. We can’t reach anyone who can or will come get Adoncia. I wait until the other drivers have finished their routes to find a driver willing to make overtime and drive Adoncia home to this family. We had been planning to try to get Adoncia into SBAA, the all-girls school, now I worry about what her new address means for that plan.
5:30 p.m.
Daphne comes into my office and sits down with a sigh and tells me she is depressed after making home visits to her students.
In the beginning of the school year, I encouraged all my teachers to visit the homes of their students. I’ve read this is the norm in China and felt it would help the teachers understand their students better and would help students see the home-school connection. Most of my teachers ignored me; a few told me outright how stupid it was. Only Daphne actually did it. She visited Seth (mother in wheel chair) and Timmy (bad football player). She became profoundly upset by what she saw and hasn’t been able to eat for days. Daphne is very thin and can’t survive too many days without eating. I tell her I’ve changed my mind: home visits are a bad idea and she should stop.
But she has been deeply affected by the poverty and living conditions of her students. I remind Daphne that while it’s true she can’t feed, clothe and house these children, she is giving them many equally important and lasting gifts: they feel secure in her presence and are learning so much in the rich intellectual atmosphere of her classroom. Before she leaves my office, she tells me she might quit.
I feel totally deflated and defeated. I wanted to be inspirational and to help Daphne, but I think I came across as brushing aside her concerns. I should have been a better listener instead of offering pat solutions and pop-psychology reassurances. Daphne is my best teacher but I’m not taking the time to support her. Sometimes when she comes in my office, I want to give her a pill to take away her worries and tell her to get back in the classroom and leave me alone. I know that a good boss listens and inspires. But I feel worn out; worn out from Daphne specifically who seems to require so much hand holding and reassurance, but really it isn’t fair to put all the blame on her, I am just worn out in general.
6:00 p.m.
My cell phone rings. It is The Boss. He has decided we won’t pay health benefits to the bus drivers after 90 days as we agreed. (He wants the drivers to wait two years for benefits.) He has decided he doesn’t like the point cards we are using for tracking student behavior and wants them changed. He says this is my school and I should work with my staff to develop tools and procedures that work. He tells me to remember that he is The Boss and I need to adhere to his dictates. As always, when I’m talking with The Boss, I feel a little like I’m standing unprotected in an open field getting shot at from all directions.
8:30 p.m.
When I walk in my apartment, my phone is flashing with a message. It is from Daphne, she says only: “Please call.” I return her call with some trepidation. (She wouldn’t quit over the phone, would she?) Daphne sounds relaxed and upbeat. She phoned because she and her husband want to invite me and my husband to have lunch together at her house this Saturday. Since Daphne is a stricter vegetarian than I am, I don’t have to worry about burgers or chicken at this outing. I also figure she won’t quit over lunch and dare I hope maybe she has decided to stay. I write the lunch date on my calendar and look forward to our get together. Hope springs eternal.
4:00 a.m.
The buzzer sounds and snap, I’m out of bed. Step one, retrieve the newspaper from outside my apartment door. I love having the local paper delivered before I awaken so I can be aware of all the news by the time I arrive at school. Did a relative of one of my students get arrested? Was there an incident in the public schools and the child or children involved will soon be coming my way? Is there a national or international story I want my staff to discuss in class? The paper arrives about 3:30 a.m.; I’ve heard the thump in the hallway. Most people in Lakeboro don’t get the paper quite so early. I wonder if my paper deliverer lives in my apartment complex. Now if only I could get the NY Times delivered….
It is mid-October, but it is already 72 degrees before the sun rises. My morning run of 6 miles is slower than I want. It is steamy and humid with heavy fog. I run past Carolyn, one of my bus drivers, slowly navigating our Prospect school bus out of the parking lot. After my shower, I put on my short-sleeved lime green suit over a sleeveless off -white blouse. I am now ready to handle whatever this day holds for me.
7:00 a.m.
There is a flood underneath the portable that is my office. Vince, the custodian, informs me a water pipe broke and all the water for campus has been shut off. No water fountains, no toilets. It should be fixed soon. . . .
Shandon’s mother is waiting on the doorstep when I arrive at school and she is irate. It seems her son is the last child dropped off the bus in the afternoons. I express sympathy and suggest we all talk with Shasta, my transportation coordinator, to see what we can do. She refuses to speak with Shasta saying Shasta doesn’t have any children and therefore can’t understand (actually Shasta has a six year old son, Quinn); she will only speak with me. I listen and promise to call her later after I talk with Shasta.
8:00 a.m.
In the morning meeting I introduce our newest teacher, Sam Hughes. Sam, a white, thirty-something, former military man, will be a math teacher. Sam has never taught math; his last job was as an investigator at DCF, but he has a degree in business and has been taking education courses to become a certified math teacher. Sam is chatty and likes to talk about his wife, children, stepchildren and house repairs. During the interviews (both phone and face-to-face) my impression of Sam is that he genuinely wants to teach and enjoys helping children learn new skills. He is focused on discipline and referenced his military service as a model for creating a productive learning environment. However I sense that Sam accepted this job more to escape DCF than because of his drive to teach challenging students. During the interview, he is just a little too eager to tell me, unprompted, about the horrors of his DCF job. I am a little concerned about his ability to form relationships with our students, but I hope that by assigning him to the Daphne and Jordan team, they will mentor and coach Sam on this since it is an area of strength for both of them. I think the three of them will work well together. In the morning meeting, we do what we always do with new staff; we go around the table introducing ourselves and telling what we do at Prospect. When it comes to Stone he always says something vaguely inappropriate. Today he says “I don’t do anything here, ask Kathleen. I hate the kids and they hate me.” Then, for good measure, Stone ends his introduction punching his fist in the air and declaring: “The South will rise again.”
After the introductions, Rosie asks if we can discuss fourteen-year-old Lorayne. Before the school year started, I envisioned morning meetings including a discussion of a different student each day. The reality: often there is no time in our morning meetings for discussions of individual students; we have so many pressing problems and vital information to convey. But sometimes a student is our pressing problem and we are able to devote a few minutes to a discussion of that student. Today Rosie tells us Lorayne, of tongue ring fame, has been absent a lot recently. When she does show up, she is never in uniform and has prominent circles under her eyes. Yvonne interrupts to say she has had trouble getting in touch with the woman Lorayne calls mother but who is really her grandmother. Stephanie interjects that she heard Lorayne’s grandmother is in the hospital. If the grandmother is in the hospital, with whom is Lorayne living?
We will get our answer soon.
8:40 a.m.
Lorayne is dropped off at school by a man in a grey pickup truck. When Rosie asks, Lorayne identifies him as her boyfriend, proudly adding that he is 44 years old and they are living together. Rosie calls DCF. She gets the impression this case won’t be a priority. Rosie tells our Deputy and he calls DCF. They promise to have someone come out to our school. They don’t. We hold out hope until mid-afternoon when the Deputy takes matters into his own hands.
8:50 a.m.
Noreen is back after her bout with strep throat. She has been absent since the first quarter Award Ceremony. She and I need to talk. I ask her about the missed Award ceremony. She tells me she was at the hospital that night because her finger broke when she played basketball with our students. Her finger is taped, but I don’t believe her. I question why she didn’t phone me from the emergency room. She says she forgot her cell phone; she says she didn’t have a quarter for the pay phone; she says she forgot my phone number. I tell her I need to see the discharge papers from the hospital and Noreen hands them to me. Everything is in order except at the bottom of the page, next to the signature lines. It doesn’t take a professional sleuth to see that the Emergency Room diagnostic form has been altered. When Noreen leaves my office, I ask Lynne, my business manager, to phone the hospital while I dash outside for bus duty.
9:05 a.m.
It is a beautiful late autumn morning; 78 degrees under a cloudless sky. My sleepy students groggily emerge from their busses and float blissfully toward their waiting teachers. Ooops, scratch that. My bleary-eyed, grouchy children slump off the bus where they are abruptly awakened by a loose dog spotted on campus. Pandemonium breaks out. Students shout at the dog trying to either call it or terrorize it. Some try to run after it. Over 120 students gallivanting after one dog defines chaos. Counselor Rusty and the Deputy become involved. Several students contend they know the dog’s owner abuses it and they have seen the owner throw the dog over the fence onto our property when the dog is bad. They don’t want the dog returned. The teachers finally summon the strength to herd all the students into their lines. Rusty, my dog-loving counselor, goes after the dog using cheese as bait and a belt as a lasso and disappears from sight.
With students finally lined up behind their teachers, Daphne and Jordan’s classes are introduced to Sam. Darius shakes Sam’s hand, but he doesn’t look pleased. A new teacher is a change. Darius does not like change; not surprising from a child who has been in so many foster homes. After the introduction, Darius hurls rocks at another student and sprints away toward south campus.
I can’t take up the chase, because I have my hands full with two elementary students. Frankie, my sad-faced fourth grader with both parents in jail, got off the bus with his shirt untucked. I greet him with “good morning” but Frankie gives no smile or response. I ask him to please tuck in his shirt and Frankie tells me if he does he’ll throw up. I tell him to tuck in his shirt. He does. He throws up. Right there in the parking lot.
Meanwhile, Chip, our newest elementary student who lives with his grandparents in a retirement village, gets off the bus with a bloody face. Chip is a large, white, fifth grade boy who is usually morose and quick to anger. It seems he scratched his cheeks all the way to school. He says he did this because he is scared of our school.
Wild dog, rocks, vomit and bloody cheeks, all before 9:30 am.
9:30 a.m.
Lynne informs me that privacy laws forbid the hospital from sharing any information, but Lynne is able to get the hospital to confirm that Noreen was seen on Friday night, not Thursday night, the night of our ceremony. I confront Noreen. She insists she went to the hospital on Thursday and when I ask, she signs a release for the hospital to give me access to her records. I fax over the release as soon as she leaves my office and the records come back showing she was seen late Friday night and treated for a possible broken finger.
9:40 a.m.
There are painters scraping paint in the cafeteria when it’s time for the students to eat breakfast. I ask them to wait but they point out when our last group finishes breakfast we have only twenty minutes, at most, before we start serving lunch. They tell me they have orders to get this room scraped today. The students complain the scraping sound is giving them headaches. I worry about lead dust and paint chips in the food. Outside the cafeteria other workers are removing asbestos from the ceiling tiles. I suggest this is not a good thing to do when my students and staff are around. They shrug and tell me Agnes, the secretary from Haven High, told them it must be done today. Good ole Agnes. While trying to negotiate with the asbestos men, I remember I have a 10:00 meeting and dash off.
10:00 a.m.
I am meeting with Sonya and Vince, the custodians. There is a problem with toilet paper shortages. I try to make the meeting non-threatening but it gets ugly fast. Sonya is belligerent and instead of talking about toilet paper she makes personal attacks on the teachers she believes “snitched” about the lack of toilet paper.
Rusty interrupts the Vince and Sonya meeting to tell me he just caught the wild dog and he will now drive it to his house until the owner can be found and the abuse situation examined.
10:15 a.m.
Chloe is still crying. She cried when she got off the bus, cried through breakfast and was crying in Social Studies. Rosie is counseling Darius (he didn’t run far after the rock throwing incident) and Rusty is kidnapping a dog, so Chloe, the girl DCF promised wouldn’t have to live with her abusive mother but then placed her there anyway, is in my office, crying. Chloe tells me she is crying because her boyfriend, Seth, was arrested on the bus yesterday.
Yesterday afternoon, halfway through the bus route home, Seth, whose mother is in a wheelchair, inexplicably ran up the bus aisle and punched Glenn in the face. Glenn, the boy who forgot Boston is the capital of Massachusetts, is half Seth’s size: Why would Seth do this? I wonder if Seth picked up on the cues from staff that Glenn is not well liked and therefore an appropriate target. When Glenn’s mother saw his bloodied face she insisted the bus driver call the police. They arrested Seth directly from the bus. Chloe is crying because she thinks Seth now has enough arrest points to send him packing to a “program.” No one called Seth’s mother. The deputies at the Juvenile Assessment Center “forgot.” The bus driver didn’t think that was her job. Last night Seth’s mother phoned Chloe at 4 am to ask her if she knew where Seth was. Chloe’s mother (“I wish I’d had an abortion instead of having you”) decides if Seth’s mother thinks Seth could be with Chloe at 4:00 am then they must be sleeping together. They fight. Chloe has been crying ever since.
10:30 a.m.
The Boss calls telling me I must immediately call Virginia, the Ebencorp accountant, about some financial reports. Virginia frequently phones The Boss to tell him to tell me to call her. I wonder why Virginia doesn’t call me directly? I’ve given her my cell phone number. I ask The Boss if we can discuss the Noreen situation and possible outcomes. He says I should call HR, but not now. Right now, he says, I need to focus on the financial reports. I hang up and call Virginia. As usual she is behind in her paperwork and frantic. She shouts at me about some documents Lynne was supposed to send her. I know those documents were faxed over a week ago. Virginia then complains about not having her own fax machine and how other people take her stuff. I ask Lynne to fax them again.
I receive an email from The Boss. It tells me I am mandated to attend a week-long meeting at Ebencorp headquarters two weeks from now. This makes me most unhappy – not only do I worry about what will happen at school if I’m gone for a week, but I am having such a hard time working for The Boss. I don’t appreciate his approach whether he is sending me an email rather then talking to me, or when he makes demands rather than engaging in discussions. I was never in the military. I grew up in Concord, Massachusetts and learned to swim in Walden Pond; civil disobedience is in my blood. My adolescence was shaped by Vietnam and Watergate; I naturally question authority. I don’t do well with “orders that must be obeyed.” I especially question orders that will take me away from my campus for five days without telling me the value of that absence. Part of me says I should just shut up and go to Ebencorp to keep The Boss happy; I find it difficult to listen to that voice.
10:45 a.m.
Rosie asks if we can talk about Adoncia and Alexia/Pilar. Rosie believes these two street-tough Hispanic girls would benefit from an all-girl environment. I agree. Since I have been unable to start a single sex classroom here at Prospect, we discuss SBAA, the alternative school that contracts with the Herald County to educate forty girls. I have attended many principal meetings with the SBAA principal, I call her to try to get the ball started on moving Alexia/Pilar and Adoncia.
11:00 a.m.
Rusty is finally back from the canine capture. He says we need to talk about Aidan.
Aidan can’t stop. He can’t stop talking, or running or jumping off his desk or drumming his fingers or falling out of his chair. Aidan is a small thirteen year old white boy who looks more like a fourth grader than a seventh grader. He is good-natured and rarely curses. Aidan’s father makes too much money for Florida’s free child health care plan but not enough money to pay for doctor bills for his son’s hyperactivity. Aidan’s stepmother is not fond of Aidan. Actually that is not entirely accurate. She speaks of Aidan as one speaks of a palmetto bug. It’s not that she isn’t fond of him, she just doesn’t see the value in having him around. And so we learn not to share any frustrations about Aidan’s behavior with his stepmother. We suspect she abuses him but suspicion without proof makes it a waste to call DCF, since even when we have proof....
Without family support we are left on our own to help Aidan. Fortunately, Aidan has bonded with Rusty, so we try having Aidan stay in class for as long as the teacher can tolerate him and then having him spend time with Rusty. Aidan loves to help sweep, pick up trash, wash walls. The problem is, when Aidan is campus handyman, Aidan isn’t learning.
Today Rusty and I sit down and devise a unique schedule for Aidan. He won’t change classes with his peers every hour for math, language arts, social studies and science. We arrange to have him moving every 15 minutes or so, thus he will experience four different English classes, four math classes etc. This way no teacher will get too frustrated with Aidan and he will be able to run a bit between classes and maybe, despite all the fragmentation, he will learn. Rusty will roll out the new schedule in our morning meeting tomorrow.
11:30 a.m.
Noreen comes in my office saying she spoke with Billie, my PE teacher and wanna-be attorney. Billie has advised Noreen to rescind her signed release for hospital records. I tell her I have already received the documents. Noreen leaves my office. I contact Leighton, the HR guy at Ebencorp. I want to know if I have his support in firing Noreen. He tells me to ask The Boss. I call and reach his voice mail.
12:00 p.m.
Midge, my elementary teacher, comes in my office. She is overwhelmed and thinks she is a failure. I go in her classroom and teach a lesson on palindromes to demonstrate how to teach and maintain discipline simultaneously. Afterwards we talk; Midge is unable or unwilling to note what I do differently from what she does so I identify some differences: I keep moving around the classroom as I talk, never turning my back on the class. I vary the tone and volume of my voice and express boundless enthusiasm. I intercede to stop minor misbehaviors before they become major, such as when Kareem began to wave the periwinkle crayon at Trey as if it were a knife. When I point out these specifics, Midge becomes defensive saying she always does all those things.
After Midge leaves, although I feel frustrated that my attempt to role model good teacher techniques didn’t seem to work well with her, I feel invigorated from teaching the palindrome lesson. I love teaching and I’m excited when I can make time to demonstrate effective teaching methods. This role modeling also gives me credibility as I show teachers I am willing to go to the “front lines” and do what I ask of them. Several years ago, when I worked at a Verizon call center, I wanted to train my team by having them observe me handle some customer calls, but in the unionized environment, I wasn’t permitted to do so because then a manager would be doing union work. Then there was a strike and during the strike I had to take calls. When the union employees returned to work after the strike, I shared with them the printouts showing the number of calls I took per hour and per day. They were impressed and my rapport with my team increased as did the quality and quantity of their work.
I begin to think about lessons I’d like to do in other classrooms but my ruminations are interrupted by the phone.
1:00 p.m.
Caleb’s mother is crying on the phone again. They had a bad weekend. Caleb and his stepfather fought and they were still shouting before school this morning. His stepfather told Caleb “You’re setting yourself up to fail.” Caleb told his mother he won’t be coming home this afternoon or ever.
I promise Mom I’ll speak with Caleb. She cautions me about his dishonesty and confesses, “Caleb’s games with communication almost broke up our marriage last year.”
Who has ceded such power to Caleb?
I mention to Yvonne to keep an eye on Caleb today so he doesn’t run away from school. She tells me she spoke to him and he told her how much he hates his stepfather and how he plans to hide at dismissal and then sneak back into a portable and spend the night here.
I call Caleb to my office. He tells me how much he hates me, the school and his stepfather. He hates me for firing Ernie. Caleb explains he was here last year and when things didn’t work out in public school this year, he asked to come back because he remembered how good it was with Mr. Mel and Mr. Ernie, but I ruined everything. What does Caleb not hate? He wants to join the Sea Cadets; he wants a career in the navy. After a long talk Caleb still hates me but he doesn’t plan to sleep in a portable tonight, or so he says. We’ll have to watch him.
1:30 p.m.
Stone stops by to let me know Dirk’s mother came in this morning to say she is withdrawing Dirk and putting him back in public school. Dirk, the boy who is too lazy to stand and who hopes to achieve porn star status one day, is not ready to return to public school. Stone tells Dirk’s mother as much and suggests she come speak with me. She tells Stone she knows her rights and she has decided to withdraw him. Goodbye Dirk. I call Dirk’s public school principal, to give him a heads-up. Dirk’s principal thanks me for the call. He knows Dirk well; he predicts Dirk will be back at Prospect.
2:20 p.m.
With no sign of DCF, The Deputy decides to handle the “Lorayne and the older boyfriend” situation on his own. He calls Lorayne in to chat with him. He asks whether her boyfriend forces her to have sex or whether she wants to. She insists he does not force her. Bingo. The Deputy arranges to have this conversation repeated and video taped. Lorayne has never heard of statutory rape, but the Deputy has and when the police pick up the 44 year old “boyfriend” he hears about it too. Now DCF gets involved. Lorayne is moved to a foster home in another county. We won’t see her again for a while. Goodbye Lorayne.
3:30 p.m.
I finally hear back from The Boss. After much discussion he agrees to back my decision. After the students leave, I fire Noreen.
In truth, I have very mixed feelings about firing her. Noreen really is a terrific math teacher. Her students love her, her math projects are creative and she knows her subject. But she is dishonest. I have a better chance at teaching the uninitiated how to teach than teaching teachers how to behave ethically. Noreen doesn’t accept the firing well. She refuses to take her belongings saying first her car is too small, then that she has to pick up her children. I ask her what her plan will be for getting her possessions, and she tells me Neeley will take them to her. I let her know she may not come on campus while students are present. As she leaves I feel drained and defeated. I think I care more about Noreen losing her job than she does.
4:45 p.m.
Just when you think it is safe, a bus returns. Kelli brings her bus back to the school and refuses to take home five girls who won’t sit down. She doesn’t want to wait while they are counseled or disciplined. Luckily Rosie and Rusty are still on campus. We take turns scrambling to call parents and guardians to come pick up the girls. We get everyone picked up except Adoncia.
Adoncia, the girl from Brownsville, Texas who was living with an uncle and the uncle’s girlfriend, divulges she is now living with a family the girlfriend knows. We were unaware of this move. This new family has three young children and Adoncia is supposed to baby-sit them. The family lives in another county and has been driving Adoncia to her regular bus stop each morning. We can’t reach anyone who can or will come get Adoncia. I wait until the other drivers have finished their routes to find a driver willing to make overtime and drive Adoncia home to this family. We had been planning to try to get Adoncia into SBAA, the all-girls school, now I worry about what her new address means for that plan.
5:30 p.m.
Daphne comes into my office and sits down with a sigh and tells me she is depressed after making home visits to her students.
In the beginning of the school year, I encouraged all my teachers to visit the homes of their students. I’ve read this is the norm in China and felt it would help the teachers understand their students better and would help students see the home-school connection. Most of my teachers ignored me; a few told me outright how stupid it was. Only Daphne actually did it. She visited Seth (mother in wheel chair) and Timmy (bad football player). She became profoundly upset by what she saw and hasn’t been able to eat for days. Daphne is very thin and can’t survive too many days without eating. I tell her I’ve changed my mind: home visits are a bad idea and she should stop.
But she has been deeply affected by the poverty and living conditions of her students. I remind Daphne that while it’s true she can’t feed, clothe and house these children, she is giving them many equally important and lasting gifts: they feel secure in her presence and are learning so much in the rich intellectual atmosphere of her classroom. Before she leaves my office, she tells me she might quit.
I feel totally deflated and defeated. I wanted to be inspirational and to help Daphne, but I think I came across as brushing aside her concerns. I should have been a better listener instead of offering pat solutions and pop-psychology reassurances. Daphne is my best teacher but I’m not taking the time to support her. Sometimes when she comes in my office, I want to give her a pill to take away her worries and tell her to get back in the classroom and leave me alone. I know that a good boss listens and inspires. But I feel worn out; worn out from Daphne specifically who seems to require so much hand holding and reassurance, but really it isn’t fair to put all the blame on her, I am just worn out in general.
6:00 p.m.
My cell phone rings. It is The Boss. He has decided we won’t pay health benefits to the bus drivers after 90 days as we agreed. (He wants the drivers to wait two years for benefits.) He has decided he doesn’t like the point cards we are using for tracking student behavior and wants them changed. He says this is my school and I should work with my staff to develop tools and procedures that work. He tells me to remember that he is The Boss and I need to adhere to his dictates. As always, when I’m talking with The Boss, I feel a little like I’m standing unprotected in an open field getting shot at from all directions.
8:30 p.m.
When I walk in my apartment, my phone is flashing with a message. It is from Daphne, she says only: “Please call.” I return her call with some trepidation. (She wouldn’t quit over the phone, would she?) Daphne sounds relaxed and upbeat. She phoned because she and her husband want to invite me and my husband to have lunch together at her house this Saturday. Since Daphne is a stricter vegetarian than I am, I don’t have to worry about burgers or chicken at this outing. I also figure she won’t quit over lunch and dare I hope maybe she has decided to stay. I write the lunch date on my calendar and look forward to our get together. Hope springs eternal.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Chapter Thirty: Parental Involvement
Chapter 30: Parental Involvement
I admit it: I am better at talking to my students than to their parents. Maybe because when children curse, misuse words and use poor grammar, I still have hope they will learn and become better. When adults demonstrate these same short-comings, I am saddened, frustrated and yes, annoyed. I can relate to Bill Cosby’s contentious comments when he lamented: “I can’t even talk the way these people talk, ‘Why you ain’t,’ “Where you is’. . . and I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk and then I heard the father talk. . . Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads.” Although Cosby’s comments were aimed at black parents, this poor grammar isn’t limited to black families, it is the language of most of my students and their parents, black or white. It is the language of poverty.
Just as I struggle to understand the non-standard English spoken by the parents of my students, they too have difficulty understanding me. I once told a mother her daughter had “made great gains during the semester.” The mother became wild-eyed and pounded the desk as she exploded: “Games, I don’t want her playing games.”
I talk to at least a dozen parents every day, some by phone, others face-to-face. On days when things go wrong - when busses are late or children are in a fight or there are arrests - I talk to many more parents. At our recent Award Ceremony, I spoke to an audience of nearly 100 family members on the subject of parent involvement in education. But despite advocating for this involvement, there are times when my encounters with parents make me wish they were a little more apathetic.
What do all these parents want to discuss with me? There are as many topics as I have students (although it is rare for parents to want to talk to me about what a wonderful job I’m doing). But a common request is to change a child’s class assignment. Of course, this is not unique to prospect. Virtually every principal in every school tells parents not to make requests for their child’s teacher assignment. Often a note will be sent home in late Spring: “All of our staff are highly trained professionals and wonderful, talented teachers.” or “Your child’s teachers know your child’s learning style and will make the best placement selection for the upcoming school year.” Sometimes the exasperated principal will add, “No parent requests will be accepted.” But here is the dirty little secret: parents regularly make teacher placement requests and they are honored. Which parents do it and how do they make their desires known? Parents who volunteer in the classroom and have good rapport with their child’s teacher and other school staff, parents who take the time to visit all the classrooms for next year’s potential teacher assignments and observe the teaching styles, parents who can articulate their rationale for their request – these are the parents who successfully select their children’s teachers year after year.
I find it baffling when educated, caring parents don’t investigate the teacher choices and make a request. The same people who sniff and squeeze the cantaloupes, try on five shirts and surf the web for reviews of appliances before they take our their wallets, remove themselves from the decision-making process when it comes to their child’s education. Yet in most every school there are teachers who should not be teaching. They come in a variety of flavors (the worksheet queens, the screamers, the demeanors) yet when making class assignments SOMEONE has to be placed in those classrooms. For many years I have been coaching and encouraging friends, relatives and other parents to get involved in the selection process. Now I am on the other side of the fence, although the parents who call me aren’t calling about next year’s teacher selection, they want their child’s classroom assignment changed now!
Glenn’s Mom
Glenn’s mother calls. At first I think she is calling about the Geography Bee, when Glenn melted down after forgetting about Boston, but I am wrong. Glenn has been in Midge’s elementary classroom all year, however lately it hasn’t been working out. Glenn is thirteen, but with the height and intellect of an elementary student. In fact Glenn is the slowest learner in Midge’s elementary classroom.
Glenn’s interests, though, are definitely adolescent and Midge feels his preoccupation with sex encourages her already sexually precocious elementary students to further engage in inappropriate behavior and language. We decided Glenn needed to move to a middle school classroom at the start the second quarter and we placed him in Stone’s class. We informed Glenn’s mother of the change but now Glenn’s mother is unhappy and wants him back with Midge.
I listen to Glenn’s mother. She is very upset; I don’t try to calm her, I just listen. As she talks, I begin to feel her pain and question my decision. I too would rather have my child in Midge’s class than in Stone’s. But as Glenn’s mother talks about her personal life, her past and Glenn’s past, she mentions that several years ago, when she was engaged to a very strict disciplinarian, that was “the best Glenn ever did.” Stone is not warm and nurturing like Midge, but he comes much closer to fitting the description of “strict disciplinarian” than does Midge. I am thankful when, after a long discussion, Glenn’s mother agrees to keep Glenn with Stone.
Estralitta’s Mom
Estralitta’s mother calls. She is upset and when she is upset English and Spanish mix and merge. (Years ago, when I stood in a pastry shop in Montreal, I was delighted I had studied French in high school, but as a teacher in New York, and now as a principal in Florida, I sure wish I knew Spanish.) I listen attentively and she makes me understand she wants Estralitta out of Stone’s class now, if not sooner. It is hard to defend Stone. I know he is not a good teacher; most of the incidents she relates about Stone are probably true, although they are second-hand since Mom is quoting Estralitta. I suggest an observation and Mom agrees to come in this afternoon during Estralitta’s math class with Stone.
I see Estralitta’s mother signing in shortly after lunch and I consult my class list spreadsheet assuming I will soon need to move Estralitta to another class. But by 3:00 Estralitta’s mother is in my office calmly thanking me for this opportunity and saying she changed her mind, she wants Estralitta to stay with Stone. She tells me she is now more upset with Estralitta’s behavior than with Stone’s. She goes on to tell me how Estralitta and her older sister only recently came to live with her after spending most of their lives living with their father in the Bronx, and they are all still learning to get along. It isn’t going well. While she talks to me in English, she answers her cell phone and proceeds to hold a parallel conversation with her older daughter in Spanish. The older daughter’s baby can be heard crying in the background. After each Spanish interlude, Estralitta’s mother confides in me, “I can’t do anything with this girl. She won’t get up for school. She is always shouting at me. Ms. Smee, I really don’t know what to do with her or with Estralitta”
When Estralitta’s mother leaves my office, I am a little relieved I don’t need to change Estralitta’s class assignment. I feel a little guilty leaving her with Stone, except that is what her mother wants, but mostly I feel sad about Estralitta’s mother’s predicament and frustrated that I feel pressured to prioritize my work such that I don’t have time to seek out agencies and people who can help this struggling family.
Some parents don’t simply want to move their child out of a particular classroom, they want to move their child out of Prospect altogether and back into public school. Since the only children who must stay at Prospect are felony transfers and expulsions, and few of our children fall into these categories, most Prospect parents have the power to move their child back to public school. Typically parents don’t know they have this right and I don’t share this information with them. I don’t lie, it is more a sin of omission. I continue to cling to the belief that their children aren’t ready to return and I would be doing them a disservice to return them prematurely.
Luke’s Mom
Luke’s mother calls. I steel myself when I recognize her voice. If my phone could bleep out the profanity, there would be little content left in this conversation / monologue. Yesterday Luke’s mother received a letter from us saying the bus would not pick up Luke until she comes in for a parent conference. It was a desperate measure to get her attention and it worked. In the last two weeks, Luke has provoked two bus fights, had six other bus referrals and eleven classroom discipline referrals. Mom begins, after cursing at me, to tell me she wants Luke out of Prospect NOW!
I struggle to hold my tongue. Luke’s mother tells me she talks to other parents and they all feel I run this school like a prison and she isn’t saying I’m a terrible principal but that I must have something against Luke. She lets me know Luke never had problems until I became the principal and my staff is lying about Luke’s behavior. She tells me we need to stop asking her to come to parent conferences. If she comes to meet with us, she’ll miss work and when she misses work she doesn’t get paid. She says she didn’t know about all the discipline referrals. She has no time to look in Luke’s planner and he doesn’t bring home the notes. She didn’t receive any of the phone messages. She works all the time and Luke erases the answering machine. What do I have against her son and why won’t I let him go back to public school where he belongs?
Then she starts crying.
Luke’s mother tells me about her abusive ex-husband in Michigan, of her good job there as a secretary and how, since moving here, nobody will hire her except McDonalds. She has to work all the time to provide a life for her two sons; she doesn’t get any child support. With copious use of the “F” word, she tells me of all the jobs for which she has interviewed only to be told she was overqualified. She starts to cry harder and I can’t make out her next sentence until she repeats it. Her older son, Luke’s brother, was sentenced to prison last week. She doesn’t want Luke to end up there too. She ends the call saying she’ll be here today at 4:00 for a conference.
I should feel relieved that I got what I want: Luke won’t be transferred to public school and I’ve scheduled a conference with Luke’s mother. But instead I feel drained and defeated. While Luke’s mother was talking I slipped momentarily into her shoes and everything suddenly looked so grey and hopeless and sad and hard, so very hard.
Roxanne’s Mom
Roxanne’s mother is in my office shortly after noon telling me she is going to put Roxanne in public school tomorrow. (Roxanne is the runaway girl I dropped off at DCF one rainy night a few months back.) Roxanne’s mother isn’t really asking my permission, but since she is talking to me about it, rather than just doing it, I assume there is room for discussion. I am unaware of any major discipline issues, so maybe her mother is right and Roxanne should return to public school. Before I open my mouth I ask Jana, Roxanne’s pregnant homeroom teacher to have a Counselor cover her class so she can come to my office.
Jana starts by saying Roxanne is very bright and her grades are good. But her temper is not good; she has an anger control problem. Just today at lunch, when Jana told Roxanne to get in line, Roxanne responded “Shut up you fat bitch.” Before Jana could comment, Roxanne added, “and you can just suck my dick.”
The mother, who a few minutes ago was certain of her actions and confident she was doing the right thing for her child, begins to unravel. She apologizes saying she has the same problems at home and admits she can’t control Roxanne. She shares with us the fact that last school year Roxanne was court mandated to a Program (boot camp) outside Jacksonville for several months. Mom expected the Program to “cure” her and expected Roxanne to start in a public school this year. She tells us Roxanne has a Medicaid therapist and the therapist says Roxanne may be bipolar. Mom asks Jana to write notes in Roxanne’s planner daily. Jana says she does. Together we look at Roxanne’s planner and see she has been crossing out or ripping up the pages when Jana writes about her inappropriate behavior. Roxanne’s mother leaves to return home, Jana leaves to return to her classroom and Roxanne will not be leaving to return to public school.
DerMarr’s Mom and Aunt
DerMarr, our wild fifth grader who caused Orientation leader Stephanie to temporarily resign, is still one of our most difficult children. I set up a meeting with his mother and Henry, my school liaison. His mother wisely brings his aunt along. DerMarr’s mother uses profanity almost as often as DerMarr does. I have never seen her smile or even look calm. She is a compact woman who wears a permanent scowl.
Mom starts the meeting demanding we move DerMarr out of “this place” and back to public school. Mom explains she is busy trying to go to college so she can get a job, and has no time for calls about DerMarr’s bad behavior. She tells me she is paying taxes so I can deal with him, not to keep phoning her and asking her to do my job. DerMarr’s aunt interrupts saying she does have the time and she’ll respond when we need help with DerMarr. The aunt is wonderful, articulate and supportive. She renews my hope. We don’t want to give up on DerMarr or suspend him. We agree to continue to use our behavior system with him but when he is out of control, we will warn him that a call to his aunt is imminent and then, if that doesn’t work, we will call her.
By afternoon we have the opportunity to try this new system when DerMarr hurls a wastebasket out of the classroom door. His aunt comes right away and takes him aside to speak with him. He shapes up immediately. It‘s like magic.
Now I can stop worrying that DerMarr will be my first “reject” (I thought DerMarr would be my first student I would have to tell Henry I couldn’t handle and to ask that he place him elsewhere). Jana agrees to take the new, improved DerMarr in her classroom. Stephanie is thrilled to have him out of orientation, finally. DerMarr is excited too.
My Counselors and I discuss the problem of students bouncing between the public schools and Prospect. Rosie and Rusty tell me last year there were several Prospect students who moved back and forth with some regularity. They mention TobyBeth and imply that sooner or later her father will pull her out of Prospect and when he comes to meet with me, they wish me good luck. Their warning has the effect of prejudicing me with a fairly negative opinion of TobyBeth’s father before I even meet him, and my first encounter with TobyBeth’s father does little to change this.
TobyBeth’s Dad
TobyBeth has been at Prospect longer than nearly all the staff. She is a short, round thirteen-year-old white girl. Last year was not a good year for TobyBeth. TobyBeth’s best friend was sexually involved with a man she met on-line. The best friend told the man about TobyBeth and he decided he wanted to meet and have sex with TobyBeth too. Late last school year a man was observed wandering around campus and watching through the fence when students were on the ball field. When asked why he was on campus, the man said he wanted to see TobyBeth. The man’s name wasn’t on the authorized list to pick up TobyBeth. This combined with his scruffy appearance and nervous demeanor made him a suspicious character. The man was detained and the police were called. The man was arrested. A few weeks later TobyBeth’s best friend (the one who tried to introduce her to the child molester) died in a car accident. TobyBeth became suicidal. She started seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants, both of which she still does, although intermittently. Some days she says she can’t stop remembering her friend and the Internet sex man.
Today TobyBeth wrote a one-page suicide note. The counselors and Deputy decide she needs to be Baker Acted. Rosie calls TobyBeth’s father to let him know we are Baker Acting TobyBeth and she will be taken to the hospital. Often the Deputy or hospital makes this call, but since Rosie has worked with TobyBeth for many months, she feels her call will help. TobyBeth has been Baker Acted before and calmly gets into the back seat of the squad car. I am standing in the rain in front of the cinderblock building talking with Rosie and the Deputy when TobyBeth’s father arrives. I have never met TobyBeth’s father. This is a strange introduction.
TobyBeth’s father is wearing sandals, shorts and a dirty sleeveless undershirt stretched taut across his protruding belly. He has no front teeth in the bottom of his mouth and he needs a shave. He is very angry and as he runs across the rainy parking lot he is growling at me. His speech is guttural, grunting and incoherent. I manage to translate enough words to know he thinks I am running an evil school and I am an agent of the devil. One Deputy stays with TobyBeth while the other moves quickly toward TobyBeth’s father. I am glad the Deputy is nearby. As the Deputy works to calm TobyBeth’s father, a woman approaches. She is barefoot and sobbing. Wearing a worn, pink, double-knit pantsuit, she is drenched from the rain. I am not sure but I think she is TobyBeth’s aunt or cousin. She joins the conference with me, TobyBeth’s father and the Deputy. The Deputy tells them they can’t ride with TobyBeth, they can drive behind the police car to the hospital and if they don’t stop carrying on, he’ll call for another squad car and it won’t be taking them to the hospital. TobyBeth’s father and the woman decide to drive behind the squad car to the hospital. TobyBeth’s father removes his shoes and as thunder booms and the rain comes belting down hard, TobyBeth’s father and female relative run barefoot through ankle deep puddles across the parking lot to their car. I feel like I am watching a movie.
The following day TobyBeth’s father arrives at my portable. I am a little worried he will be out of control again and this time there is no Deputy nearby to rescue me. I invite him into my office so we can talk. It is a much better conversation than yesterday. He wants to tell me about TobyBeth’s past with the sexual predator, her many suicide attempts and his concern she’ll succeed at killing herself. He thanks me for getting TobyBeth some long overdue help. He tells me how unhappy he is that Ernie doesn’t work here anymore since Ernie was the hero with the man who was stalking TobyBeth. He also makes a special request, instead of writing notes home in TobyBeth’s planner, could her teachers call home? He and his wife can’t read. Sitting in my office is a man who yesterday, frightened and frustrated me, but now I see him as a concerned, caring father who loves his daughter and doesn’t know how to help her.
What is it that separates the children who misbehave and remain in public school from those who misbehave and are transferred to Prospect? I suspect a key determinant is what parents do when they are called to come meet with school administrators. Do the parents come, and if so, what do they say and do? I know DerMarr’s aunt doesn’t really have magic powers but I suspect if she had been called to DerMarr’s public school when he first started misbehaving, he wouldn’t be here now. Instead DerMarr’s mother was called. A principal who was already frustrated with DerMarr’s behavior found himself facing a belligerent parent exhibiting some of the same behaviors as her son. Principals need to feel they can form a team with parents to help a misbehaving child. Can most principals accurately translate the language of poverty? Unconscious prejudice plays a role. The more the parent across the desk from me is like me, the better we can communicate, the more I can empathize and the more likely I am to give that child a second chance. My first encounter with TobyBeth’s father made me feel like he was from a distant scary planet. It was hard for me to get past the trappings of poverty (his teeth, his apparel, his speech patterns) to see the loving father. Unfortunately I don’t think my realizations about TobyBeth’s father will make future encounters with him easy. But perhaps they will help me get past the huge barriers that divide us, to try to work together for TobyBeth’s sake. Empathy and compassion are a start, but they may not be enough.
It’s different with the students. With students, where others see shortcomings and deficiencies, I see potential. But when it comes to parents, I am often frustrated and sometimes angry. I guess this is because I see my students as suffering the consequences of, or bearing the brunt of their parents’ problems and follies and this makes me angry on their behalf. But I need to move beyond tolerance to acceptance, and I know that unless I work on replacing anger and blame with compassion, my own efforts at “parental involvement” (let alone my staff’s) are not going to get very far.
Fortunately not all parent communication is difficult. Sometimes, in fact, an encounter with a parent actually puts a smile on my face.
Darrin’s Mom
Darrin Lyons’s Mom phones me: “Ms. Smee, I want you to know how much I appreciated the award ceremony. I have never been proud of my son and that night I was so proud I cried. Thank you. Darrin never had comments on his report card before and this report card even had GOOD comments. I felt so proud of your school that night. When I first saw Prospect I thought there’d be fights and I worried about my baby, but now I think Prospect is the best thing that has ever happened to Darrin. Thank you.” No Mrs. Lyons, thank you!
I admit it: I am better at talking to my students than to their parents. Maybe because when children curse, misuse words and use poor grammar, I still have hope they will learn and become better. When adults demonstrate these same short-comings, I am saddened, frustrated and yes, annoyed. I can relate to Bill Cosby’s contentious comments when he lamented: “I can’t even talk the way these people talk, ‘Why you ain’t,’ “Where you is’. . . and I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk and then I heard the father talk. . . Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads.” Although Cosby’s comments were aimed at black parents, this poor grammar isn’t limited to black families, it is the language of most of my students and their parents, black or white. It is the language of poverty.
Just as I struggle to understand the non-standard English spoken by the parents of my students, they too have difficulty understanding me. I once told a mother her daughter had “made great gains during the semester.” The mother became wild-eyed and pounded the desk as she exploded: “Games, I don’t want her playing games.”
I talk to at least a dozen parents every day, some by phone, others face-to-face. On days when things go wrong - when busses are late or children are in a fight or there are arrests - I talk to many more parents. At our recent Award Ceremony, I spoke to an audience of nearly 100 family members on the subject of parent involvement in education. But despite advocating for this involvement, there are times when my encounters with parents make me wish they were a little more apathetic.
What do all these parents want to discuss with me? There are as many topics as I have students (although it is rare for parents to want to talk to me about what a wonderful job I’m doing). But a common request is to change a child’s class assignment. Of course, this is not unique to prospect. Virtually every principal in every school tells parents not to make requests for their child’s teacher assignment. Often a note will be sent home in late Spring: “All of our staff are highly trained professionals and wonderful, talented teachers.” or “Your child’s teachers know your child’s learning style and will make the best placement selection for the upcoming school year.” Sometimes the exasperated principal will add, “No parent requests will be accepted.” But here is the dirty little secret: parents regularly make teacher placement requests and they are honored. Which parents do it and how do they make their desires known? Parents who volunteer in the classroom and have good rapport with their child’s teacher and other school staff, parents who take the time to visit all the classrooms for next year’s potential teacher assignments and observe the teaching styles, parents who can articulate their rationale for their request – these are the parents who successfully select their children’s teachers year after year.
I find it baffling when educated, caring parents don’t investigate the teacher choices and make a request. The same people who sniff and squeeze the cantaloupes, try on five shirts and surf the web for reviews of appliances before they take our their wallets, remove themselves from the decision-making process when it comes to their child’s education. Yet in most every school there are teachers who should not be teaching. They come in a variety of flavors (the worksheet queens, the screamers, the demeanors) yet when making class assignments SOMEONE has to be placed in those classrooms. For many years I have been coaching and encouraging friends, relatives and other parents to get involved in the selection process. Now I am on the other side of the fence, although the parents who call me aren’t calling about next year’s teacher selection, they want their child’s classroom assignment changed now!
Glenn’s Mom
Glenn’s mother calls. At first I think she is calling about the Geography Bee, when Glenn melted down after forgetting about Boston, but I am wrong. Glenn has been in Midge’s elementary classroom all year, however lately it hasn’t been working out. Glenn is thirteen, but with the height and intellect of an elementary student. In fact Glenn is the slowest learner in Midge’s elementary classroom.
Glenn’s interests, though, are definitely adolescent and Midge feels his preoccupation with sex encourages her already sexually precocious elementary students to further engage in inappropriate behavior and language. We decided Glenn needed to move to a middle school classroom at the start the second quarter and we placed him in Stone’s class. We informed Glenn’s mother of the change but now Glenn’s mother is unhappy and wants him back with Midge.
I listen to Glenn’s mother. She is very upset; I don’t try to calm her, I just listen. As she talks, I begin to feel her pain and question my decision. I too would rather have my child in Midge’s class than in Stone’s. But as Glenn’s mother talks about her personal life, her past and Glenn’s past, she mentions that several years ago, when she was engaged to a very strict disciplinarian, that was “the best Glenn ever did.” Stone is not warm and nurturing like Midge, but he comes much closer to fitting the description of “strict disciplinarian” than does Midge. I am thankful when, after a long discussion, Glenn’s mother agrees to keep Glenn with Stone.
Estralitta’s Mom
Estralitta’s mother calls. She is upset and when she is upset English and Spanish mix and merge. (Years ago, when I stood in a pastry shop in Montreal, I was delighted I had studied French in high school, but as a teacher in New York, and now as a principal in Florida, I sure wish I knew Spanish.) I listen attentively and she makes me understand she wants Estralitta out of Stone’s class now, if not sooner. It is hard to defend Stone. I know he is not a good teacher; most of the incidents she relates about Stone are probably true, although they are second-hand since Mom is quoting Estralitta. I suggest an observation and Mom agrees to come in this afternoon during Estralitta’s math class with Stone.
I see Estralitta’s mother signing in shortly after lunch and I consult my class list spreadsheet assuming I will soon need to move Estralitta to another class. But by 3:00 Estralitta’s mother is in my office calmly thanking me for this opportunity and saying she changed her mind, she wants Estralitta to stay with Stone. She tells me she is now more upset with Estralitta’s behavior than with Stone’s. She goes on to tell me how Estralitta and her older sister only recently came to live with her after spending most of their lives living with their father in the Bronx, and they are all still learning to get along. It isn’t going well. While she talks to me in English, she answers her cell phone and proceeds to hold a parallel conversation with her older daughter in Spanish. The older daughter’s baby can be heard crying in the background. After each Spanish interlude, Estralitta’s mother confides in me, “I can’t do anything with this girl. She won’t get up for school. She is always shouting at me. Ms. Smee, I really don’t know what to do with her or with Estralitta”
When Estralitta’s mother leaves my office, I am a little relieved I don’t need to change Estralitta’s class assignment. I feel a little guilty leaving her with Stone, except that is what her mother wants, but mostly I feel sad about Estralitta’s mother’s predicament and frustrated that I feel pressured to prioritize my work such that I don’t have time to seek out agencies and people who can help this struggling family.
Some parents don’t simply want to move their child out of a particular classroom, they want to move their child out of Prospect altogether and back into public school. Since the only children who must stay at Prospect are felony transfers and expulsions, and few of our children fall into these categories, most Prospect parents have the power to move their child back to public school. Typically parents don’t know they have this right and I don’t share this information with them. I don’t lie, it is more a sin of omission. I continue to cling to the belief that their children aren’t ready to return and I would be doing them a disservice to return them prematurely.
Luke’s Mom
Luke’s mother calls. I steel myself when I recognize her voice. If my phone could bleep out the profanity, there would be little content left in this conversation / monologue. Yesterday Luke’s mother received a letter from us saying the bus would not pick up Luke until she comes in for a parent conference. It was a desperate measure to get her attention and it worked. In the last two weeks, Luke has provoked two bus fights, had six other bus referrals and eleven classroom discipline referrals. Mom begins, after cursing at me, to tell me she wants Luke out of Prospect NOW!
I struggle to hold my tongue. Luke’s mother tells me she talks to other parents and they all feel I run this school like a prison and she isn’t saying I’m a terrible principal but that I must have something against Luke. She lets me know Luke never had problems until I became the principal and my staff is lying about Luke’s behavior. She tells me we need to stop asking her to come to parent conferences. If she comes to meet with us, she’ll miss work and when she misses work she doesn’t get paid. She says she didn’t know about all the discipline referrals. She has no time to look in Luke’s planner and he doesn’t bring home the notes. She didn’t receive any of the phone messages. She works all the time and Luke erases the answering machine. What do I have against her son and why won’t I let him go back to public school where he belongs?
Then she starts crying.
Luke’s mother tells me about her abusive ex-husband in Michigan, of her good job there as a secretary and how, since moving here, nobody will hire her except McDonalds. She has to work all the time to provide a life for her two sons; she doesn’t get any child support. With copious use of the “F” word, she tells me of all the jobs for which she has interviewed only to be told she was overqualified. She starts to cry harder and I can’t make out her next sentence until she repeats it. Her older son, Luke’s brother, was sentenced to prison last week. She doesn’t want Luke to end up there too. She ends the call saying she’ll be here today at 4:00 for a conference.
I should feel relieved that I got what I want: Luke won’t be transferred to public school and I’ve scheduled a conference with Luke’s mother. But instead I feel drained and defeated. While Luke’s mother was talking I slipped momentarily into her shoes and everything suddenly looked so grey and hopeless and sad and hard, so very hard.
Roxanne’s Mom
Roxanne’s mother is in my office shortly after noon telling me she is going to put Roxanne in public school tomorrow. (Roxanne is the runaway girl I dropped off at DCF one rainy night a few months back.) Roxanne’s mother isn’t really asking my permission, but since she is talking to me about it, rather than just doing it, I assume there is room for discussion. I am unaware of any major discipline issues, so maybe her mother is right and Roxanne should return to public school. Before I open my mouth I ask Jana, Roxanne’s pregnant homeroom teacher to have a Counselor cover her class so she can come to my office.
Jana starts by saying Roxanne is very bright and her grades are good. But her temper is not good; she has an anger control problem. Just today at lunch, when Jana told Roxanne to get in line, Roxanne responded “Shut up you fat bitch.” Before Jana could comment, Roxanne added, “and you can just suck my dick.”
The mother, who a few minutes ago was certain of her actions and confident she was doing the right thing for her child, begins to unravel. She apologizes saying she has the same problems at home and admits she can’t control Roxanne. She shares with us the fact that last school year Roxanne was court mandated to a Program (boot camp) outside Jacksonville for several months. Mom expected the Program to “cure” her and expected Roxanne to start in a public school this year. She tells us Roxanne has a Medicaid therapist and the therapist says Roxanne may be bipolar. Mom asks Jana to write notes in Roxanne’s planner daily. Jana says she does. Together we look at Roxanne’s planner and see she has been crossing out or ripping up the pages when Jana writes about her inappropriate behavior. Roxanne’s mother leaves to return home, Jana leaves to return to her classroom and Roxanne will not be leaving to return to public school.
DerMarr’s Mom and Aunt
DerMarr, our wild fifth grader who caused Orientation leader Stephanie to temporarily resign, is still one of our most difficult children. I set up a meeting with his mother and Henry, my school liaison. His mother wisely brings his aunt along. DerMarr’s mother uses profanity almost as often as DerMarr does. I have never seen her smile or even look calm. She is a compact woman who wears a permanent scowl.
Mom starts the meeting demanding we move DerMarr out of “this place” and back to public school. Mom explains she is busy trying to go to college so she can get a job, and has no time for calls about DerMarr’s bad behavior. She tells me she is paying taxes so I can deal with him, not to keep phoning her and asking her to do my job. DerMarr’s aunt interrupts saying she does have the time and she’ll respond when we need help with DerMarr. The aunt is wonderful, articulate and supportive. She renews my hope. We don’t want to give up on DerMarr or suspend him. We agree to continue to use our behavior system with him but when he is out of control, we will warn him that a call to his aunt is imminent and then, if that doesn’t work, we will call her.
By afternoon we have the opportunity to try this new system when DerMarr hurls a wastebasket out of the classroom door. His aunt comes right away and takes him aside to speak with him. He shapes up immediately. It‘s like magic.
Now I can stop worrying that DerMarr will be my first “reject” (I thought DerMarr would be my first student I would have to tell Henry I couldn’t handle and to ask that he place him elsewhere). Jana agrees to take the new, improved DerMarr in her classroom. Stephanie is thrilled to have him out of orientation, finally. DerMarr is excited too.
My Counselors and I discuss the problem of students bouncing between the public schools and Prospect. Rosie and Rusty tell me last year there were several Prospect students who moved back and forth with some regularity. They mention TobyBeth and imply that sooner or later her father will pull her out of Prospect and when he comes to meet with me, they wish me good luck. Their warning has the effect of prejudicing me with a fairly negative opinion of TobyBeth’s father before I even meet him, and my first encounter with TobyBeth’s father does little to change this.
TobyBeth’s Dad
TobyBeth has been at Prospect longer than nearly all the staff. She is a short, round thirteen-year-old white girl. Last year was not a good year for TobyBeth. TobyBeth’s best friend was sexually involved with a man she met on-line. The best friend told the man about TobyBeth and he decided he wanted to meet and have sex with TobyBeth too. Late last school year a man was observed wandering around campus and watching through the fence when students were on the ball field. When asked why he was on campus, the man said he wanted to see TobyBeth. The man’s name wasn’t on the authorized list to pick up TobyBeth. This combined with his scruffy appearance and nervous demeanor made him a suspicious character. The man was detained and the police were called. The man was arrested. A few weeks later TobyBeth’s best friend (the one who tried to introduce her to the child molester) died in a car accident. TobyBeth became suicidal. She started seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants, both of which she still does, although intermittently. Some days she says she can’t stop remembering her friend and the Internet sex man.
Today TobyBeth wrote a one-page suicide note. The counselors and Deputy decide she needs to be Baker Acted. Rosie calls TobyBeth’s father to let him know we are Baker Acting TobyBeth and she will be taken to the hospital. Often the Deputy or hospital makes this call, but since Rosie has worked with TobyBeth for many months, she feels her call will help. TobyBeth has been Baker Acted before and calmly gets into the back seat of the squad car. I am standing in the rain in front of the cinderblock building talking with Rosie and the Deputy when TobyBeth’s father arrives. I have never met TobyBeth’s father. This is a strange introduction.
TobyBeth’s father is wearing sandals, shorts and a dirty sleeveless undershirt stretched taut across his protruding belly. He has no front teeth in the bottom of his mouth and he needs a shave. He is very angry and as he runs across the rainy parking lot he is growling at me. His speech is guttural, grunting and incoherent. I manage to translate enough words to know he thinks I am running an evil school and I am an agent of the devil. One Deputy stays with TobyBeth while the other moves quickly toward TobyBeth’s father. I am glad the Deputy is nearby. As the Deputy works to calm TobyBeth’s father, a woman approaches. She is barefoot and sobbing. Wearing a worn, pink, double-knit pantsuit, she is drenched from the rain. I am not sure but I think she is TobyBeth’s aunt or cousin. She joins the conference with me, TobyBeth’s father and the Deputy. The Deputy tells them they can’t ride with TobyBeth, they can drive behind the police car to the hospital and if they don’t stop carrying on, he’ll call for another squad car and it won’t be taking them to the hospital. TobyBeth’s father and the woman decide to drive behind the squad car to the hospital. TobyBeth’s father removes his shoes and as thunder booms and the rain comes belting down hard, TobyBeth’s father and female relative run barefoot through ankle deep puddles across the parking lot to their car. I feel like I am watching a movie.
The following day TobyBeth’s father arrives at my portable. I am a little worried he will be out of control again and this time there is no Deputy nearby to rescue me. I invite him into my office so we can talk. It is a much better conversation than yesterday. He wants to tell me about TobyBeth’s past with the sexual predator, her many suicide attempts and his concern she’ll succeed at killing herself. He thanks me for getting TobyBeth some long overdue help. He tells me how unhappy he is that Ernie doesn’t work here anymore since Ernie was the hero with the man who was stalking TobyBeth. He also makes a special request, instead of writing notes home in TobyBeth’s planner, could her teachers call home? He and his wife can’t read. Sitting in my office is a man who yesterday, frightened and frustrated me, but now I see him as a concerned, caring father who loves his daughter and doesn’t know how to help her.
What is it that separates the children who misbehave and remain in public school from those who misbehave and are transferred to Prospect? I suspect a key determinant is what parents do when they are called to come meet with school administrators. Do the parents come, and if so, what do they say and do? I know DerMarr’s aunt doesn’t really have magic powers but I suspect if she had been called to DerMarr’s public school when he first started misbehaving, he wouldn’t be here now. Instead DerMarr’s mother was called. A principal who was already frustrated with DerMarr’s behavior found himself facing a belligerent parent exhibiting some of the same behaviors as her son. Principals need to feel they can form a team with parents to help a misbehaving child. Can most principals accurately translate the language of poverty? Unconscious prejudice plays a role. The more the parent across the desk from me is like me, the better we can communicate, the more I can empathize and the more likely I am to give that child a second chance. My first encounter with TobyBeth’s father made me feel like he was from a distant scary planet. It was hard for me to get past the trappings of poverty (his teeth, his apparel, his speech patterns) to see the loving father. Unfortunately I don’t think my realizations about TobyBeth’s father will make future encounters with him easy. But perhaps they will help me get past the huge barriers that divide us, to try to work together for TobyBeth’s sake. Empathy and compassion are a start, but they may not be enough.
It’s different with the students. With students, where others see shortcomings and deficiencies, I see potential. But when it comes to parents, I am often frustrated and sometimes angry. I guess this is because I see my students as suffering the consequences of, or bearing the brunt of their parents’ problems and follies and this makes me angry on their behalf. But I need to move beyond tolerance to acceptance, and I know that unless I work on replacing anger and blame with compassion, my own efforts at “parental involvement” (let alone my staff’s) are not going to get very far.
Fortunately not all parent communication is difficult. Sometimes, in fact, an encounter with a parent actually puts a smile on my face.
Darrin’s Mom
Darrin Lyons’s Mom phones me: “Ms. Smee, I want you to know how much I appreciated the award ceremony. I have never been proud of my son and that night I was so proud I cried. Thank you. Darrin never had comments on his report card before and this report card even had GOOD comments. I felt so proud of your school that night. When I first saw Prospect I thought there’d be fights and I worried about my baby, but now I think Prospect is the best thing that has ever happened to Darrin. Thank you.” No Mrs. Lyons, thank you!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Lion Ate Pierre
Chapter 29: The Lion ate Pierre: Teacher-Student relationships
Apathy, bribes, favoritism, scapegoating: there are more ways for student-teacher relationships to go wrong than right. Add to this a staff who would prefer their jobs be like computer programming: simply impart facts then test for retention without any messy interface issues. My hesitant forays into “relationship” discussions have been met with disdain (too touchy-feely), refusal (impossible! citing anecdotes of dramatic student misbehaviors) or misunderstanding (no, favoritism is not an example of a good teacher-student relationship). It is vital for me to convince my staff that forming relationships with their students really matters. I must help them see that the most unappealing child, the most difficult child, the most offensive child, needs our concern at least as much, if not more than, the sweet, obedient child.
One thing I learned in my sixteen years as an educator is that you can’t be effective with students unless you have positive relationships with them. Students need to respect and trust their teacher in order to learn – they have to feel the teacher cares about them and feel secure in their classroom before they can hear, digest and remember new information or learn new skills. Education schools rarely teach courses solely devoted to this topic (though since most of my Prospect teachers haven’t taken any education classes, the existence or non-existence of these courses is somewhat moot). If “teacher-student relationships” appears on a syllabus, it’s usually a single class discussion or one reading assignment. To make matters worse (especially from a Prospect perspective) educators who lecture or write on the topic of teacher-student relationships rarely imagine a classroom full of disruptive, defiant, aggressive, angry, oppositional, hostile and resistant children. So when it comes to finding material to help develop truly qualified teachers for Prospect, I can’t really rely on the standard training curricula available in the field.
I ponder the basic and vexing questions which shape the problem: How do I get my teachers to form positive relationships with their students when the children are all so difficult? How do they do it when many of their students expect and want the teacher to dislike them? How do they do it in a culture where punishing naughty children is seen as a moral obligation? How do I, as principal, train and develop my teachers to overcome all these obstacles? And lastly, is it even possible to teach people to care?
One way to encourage caring and compassion is to help teachers and students see beyond their classroom roles and explore their shared interests. To encourage this, I developed Activity Period. During the summer, before school opened, one of the many changes I made was to the school schedule – I lengthened the school day to allow time for Activity Period. I knew this would be a hard sell for my staff. The benefits of Activity Period: bonding and forming relationships with students, keeping troubled children off the streets and providing our students with enriching experiences, were not of immediate interest to my employees. But offering activity period was crucial to my overall plan for Prospect students.
It’s a class thing. Middle class kids take lessons after school, play on teams, become scouts. Poor kids do not. Poor kids go home, watch TV, hang out, get in trouble. I am oversimplifying, but only a little. My students don’t have hobbies and interests, unless you count sex, drugs and video games. Long before I became the Prospect principal I read about this problem. When I started at Prospect I felt excited and energized knowing I was going to be part of the solution. Too bad my staff thinks Activity Period is about as wonderful as a boot to the head.
None-the-less, I launch Activity Period. For the last hour of the day students participate in an activity or club. Teachers offer activities that match their own interests (chess, fishing, newspaper, building models, comic reading, drawing, running, golf etc.) and students sign up for their favorite choices. The underlying principle is that our students lack healthy hobbies and this not only exposes them to some, it also creates an atmosphere in which they can develop relationships with adults over a shared interest. At least that is the idea and I do my best to try to sell it to my staff using an approach that combines research-based articles and my limited charisma.
Activity Period is really hard to choreograph. Students usually change classes as a whole group. They don’t do well moving about independently, they become wild and violent. Success involves planning, military-like maneuvers and all staff strategically positioned. I knew Activity Period would take some tweaking - how students would register, how we would schedule it and student movement between classrooms. I expect and need a team willing to work with me and brainstorm ideas. Instead, every glitch brings a chorus of “kill activity period.” I work hard on explaining the philosophical underpinnings, but the root of the problem is this: my staff firmly believes that what is best for the students is in direct opposition to what is best for the teachers. I try to find every example, and there are many, of the activity period working well and share these with staff. They continue to insist it would be better to send students home at 2:50 so teachers could have another break period. I don’t give up and try, in the second quarter, to point to the success of Activity Period during the first quarter to get more staff buy-in.
I also tried once, early in the school year, to run a session on teacher-student relationships, but it quickly became a talk on avoiding allegations of sexual harassment. I covered boundary issues, touching and sexual overtones, and what happens when you have a classroom full of students who are hungry, unloved and neglected. I advised no touching but allowed that when our little elementary student Frankie crawls in Midge’s lap or when Ionya is sobbing in Rosie’s office, there is a need to touch to comfort, but we must be so very careful. Fortunately during my eighteen months at Prospect no allegations of sexual misconduct were lodged. In this case, telling teachers what NOT to do was easier than helping them develop healthy relationships with their students. But the absence of sexual allegations does not a positive teacher-student relationship make.
My next foray into running a training on teacher-student relationships focused exclusively on favoritism and scapegoating. I was inspired by three of my newly degreed teachers.
Pets and goats
Teacher’s Pet. Both the phrase and phenomenon are so familiar that this display of favoritism almost seems innocuous. But when teachers play favorites it disturbs students’ sense of fairness. Favoritism also breeds its opposite: scapegoating and holding grudges. RitaMae, Buffy and Yvonne all possess newly minted teaching certificates and this is their first teaching assignment. These women have something else in common, although they won’t admit it: RitaMae, Buffy and Yvonne cultivate teacher’s pets.
For many months, RitaMae’s favorite student was Raheem. Raheem’s younger brother, Kareem is a student in our elementary classroom. Raheem is the calmer and smarter of the two. RitaMae exclusively selects him to run errands, erase the marker board, and distribute books and materials. Raheem is always the first in line for the bathroom and cafeteria. The other students complain to RitaMae and to the counselors, but RitaMae insists she selects Raheem based on his behavior and no one is as good. . well except Nora, but she is doing fine and RitaMae feels Raheem needs the special attention. RitaMae’s least favorite student is Victor. Victor is an Hispanic thirteen year old and truly, Victor is one of our most difficult children. He is also academically advanced and has a great sense of humor. RitaMae only grudging admits he has these gifts and never builds on them to develop rapport with him. Not a week goes by when RitaMae isn’t in my office demanding I suspend Victor. Raheem-the-good sits next to RitaMae’s desk; Victor-the-bad sits in the back of the room by the door. This was the status quo until last week when Raheem spilled chocolate milk on RitaMae’s desk and she yelled at him. Feeling his status as “pet” was in jeopardy, Raheem became upset. What happened next depends on whether you ask RitaMae or her students, Raheem either flailed his arms and accidentally struck RitaMae or he intentionally punched her in the breast. RitaMae reported this as an assault. Raheem was arrested and I sent RitaMae to our worker’s comp doctor. When Raheem returned to school, he had trouble finding his desk. He found it next to Victor’s, by the door.
Buffy, my newer elementary teacher, is very fond of Trent. She jokes with him that they both have freckles so he must be “her son” and she would like to “take him home.” To seven-year-old Trent, with his mother in prison and his grandmother/guardian overwhelmed with his care, having Buffy as his mother must be a fantasy, not unlike winning the lottery. Buffy’s other students complain that she loves Trent more than she likes them. I meet with Buffy to discuss this but she discounts the impression of favoritism as the misplaced whining of troubled students. Trent often runs from the classroom and hides in the shrubs by the driveway. One day recently when he did this, a stressed-out Buffy brusquely grabbed his arm to drag him out from under the hedge. Trent emerged swinging and his punch knocked her off balance and she fell to the ground. At that moment our deputy happened to walk by and witness the “assault.” He immediately arrested seven-year-old Trent. The deputy tells me attacking a teacher is a felony. When Trent returned, there was no more talk of any kinship to Buffy.
Yvonne, my first year teacher from North Carolina, has made Caleb her favorite student. She always selects Caleb to run errands and help with choice class projects. In turn, he helps keep his fellow classmates in line. I meet and talk with her about this situation but she denies she shows any preference for Caleb over her other students. One Friday morning in October, Caleb gets off the bus and asks me if he can phone home to talk to his mother about plans for a sleepover with Darrin tonight. Citing the school rules, I say no. Caleb tries first charm and then anger but I don’t budge.
Caleb is a fourteen-year-old white boy who is not the most loyal of friends and has a reputation for dishonesty. Darrin is our obese boy who threatened to kill himself and needs all the friends he can get. We support the Darrin – Caleb friendship knowing how much Darrin values it. But I won’t let Caleb phone his mother about this outing.
Yvonne does. She lets Caleb use her cell phone and call home despite knowing I forbade him to do so. Later, Caleb’s mother calls me very upset. It seems she and Caleb’s stepfather already said “no” to an overnight. When Caleb phoned her from Yvonne’s cell, he first tried the charm approach he used on me. When that failed, he screamed and cursed at her. Mom wants to know why Caleb was allowed to phone and abuse her from school.
When Yvonne has a break I ask her to come to my office. I explain why it was inappropriate for her to permit Caleb to call home. Yvonne sits stone-faced, not denying or explaining or apologizing. When she finally speaks, she asks me if it is true that I plan to fire her, because that is what Caleb told her. He told her he was leaning out the bus window yesterday and heard me say it to Rosie. I assure Yvonne I don’t plan to fire her and moreover I never said anything to Rosie in the bus circle or anywhere that could be construed as such. Yvonne is unconvinced; she appears to hold more stock in what Caleb says than in what I say. I talk with Yvonne about appropriate and inappropriate student relationships. She isn’t really listening.
Inspired by RitaMae, Buffy and Yvonne, I devote a Tuesday faculty meeting to Teacher-Student relationships and focus on favoritism and scapegoating telling the staff: “Teachers, counselors and principals are human and often we feel an affinity for or a bond with certain students and likewise we’ll feel annoyed and intolerant of others. We need to be aware of these feelings and work hard to be fair. While it isn’t unusual for teachers to have favorite students and least favorite students, we can’t demonstrate these feelings and fortunately one teacher’s difficult students are often another teacher’s delights.”
I’m pleased when my talk results in a lively and productive discussion. RitaMae dramatically identifies her worst girl student is Mimi, Rosie interrupts to say Mimi is her favorite Prospect student! Then Stone cites Glenn as his least favorite student, and we quickly discover that Glenn is no one’s favorite.
Prince Uncharming
Glenn is the boy who, in the Geography Bee, didn’t connect Boston as the capital of Massachusetts. Glenn suffers from what I call “unappealing child syndrome.” Maybe it’s Glenn’s permanent scowl, the chip on his shoulder, or his strange appearance - a very round Charlie Brown head that is too big for his small, squat body. Glenn’s lack of charisma might be associated with his lack of intellect; he is slow to learn and forgets easily. It could also be a glitch in the feedback loop. Glenn’s facial expressions and other non-verbal communication don’t seem to be in synch with the input he receives. But none of these explanations is really satisfactory. Teachers and counselors describe Glenn as whiney, glum, negative, tattletale, lazy and slow. But I think the primary characteristic of the unappealing child is that no staff member can make a connection with him. There is no relationship, not with adults or peers.
I talk about Glenn and how when a “Glenn” sits in your classroom, you have to work hard not to avoid, scapegoat or marginalize him. I stress the importance of self-awareness: we need to acknowledge our emotions toward our least favorite students then work to overcome them and focus on the child’s positives. Has anyone read Glenn’s cumulative file? Did anyone know he was Baker Acted 23 times last school year? I remind my faculty that every child has a story, usually a sad story, that explains, at least in part, why he is here and why you may find him hard to tolerate. But sympathy isn’t empathy and tolerance isn’t acceptance. Without an adult who can develop some semblance of rapport with Glenn, he will be doomed to stumble through his school days isolated and unconnected.
Unfortunately I am finding that while favoritism and grudges are easy to identify and talk about (even if the teachers who exhibit these behaviors are resistant to change), forming healthy teacher-student relationships is far more difficult. By operating in continual crisis mode, I have been reactive on this issue rather than proactive. And given the lack of expertise and experience on the part of most of my staff, I decide I need to focus on teaching fundamentals. Some recent classroom observations inspire me to get on this right away.
I hate observing Neeley’s class. At best I’ll find his student are out of control, but there’s always a reasonable chance I’ll walk in on a full-scale riot. Neeley’s only classroom management technique is bribery. His idea of student-teacher relationships is that the children will admire his youthful coolness and choose to behave because they like him. He and I have talked many times. I’ve given him advice, books, videos, training and through it all, Neeley is always upbeat and positive about my suggestions. For some reason, he just can’t or won’t change.
Since I scheduled a formal observation for today, I grit my teeth and head to his classroom. According to Neeley’s lesson plan, his students are supposed to be making a list of the characters from The Outsiders and writing a paragraph saying which character is most like them. When I walk into the classroom, no one is writing. A few students have a copy of The Outsiders on their desks, but no one has paper except Preston. Neeley is shouting at Conner, the very angry class scapegoat, telling him he must stay in his seat although Marcus, Kwamye and Dante are not in their seats. They are wandering around the classroom poking and provoking. Elden asks to use the computer and Neeley refuses saying Elden hasn’t finished his work. Kwamye, who wants to play a computer game with Elden protests saying Jimmie is using the computer but he didn’t do his work. Neeley then engages in a debate with Elden, and several students loudly rush to Elden’s defense. I walk over to see what Preston is writing and find him drawing a caricature of Neeley. Lindy raises his hand to ask whether they should write a paragraph about every character or just three. Conner, still stinging from his reprimand, shouts that Lindy is a “retard.” Nicholas raises his hand and asks Neeley whether the assignment wasn’t to write a paragraph on just Ponyboy. Marcus, only half braided today, wanders out the classroom door, unnoticed by Neeley. I decide I’d rather join Marcus than spend another minute in this classroom. As I go to leave, Lindy whispers conspiratorially to me: “Mr. Neeley promised us Tootsie Rolls if we were good when you came in today.”
I’m not sure whether the class got their candy.
Feeling dejected and ashamed that Neeley’s classroom exists on my campus, I walk back to my office mentally composing the feedback I will deliver to Neeley. If the past is any guide, he will listen attentively and enthusiastically, agree to make changes, (in fact he’ll even make a few), but they will be short-lived or he will undermine his own best efforts by reverting to bribery and ignoring misbehavior. Neeley’s willingness to change is what keeps me from giving up on him. As the principal, as his boss, I need to help him focus and when he does make corrections, I need to support him. In sustaining them. I can’t overwhelm Neeley by talking about ALL the areas in which he needs improvement. I plan to begin with some strengths (I’m reaching here but he does show a genuine enthusiasm for literature) and then I’ll move onto a single area for improvement: appropriate student-teacher relationships. As I outline my thoughts for the feedback session with Neeley I realize most of my staff could benefit from a similar discussion.
Fortunately some of my teachers and counselors are experts at building teacher-student relationships. Daphne’s skills in this area are amazing, although I try not to hold up Daphne as a role model too often to avoid peer resentment, which seems to be constantly simmering at Prospect. For example, staff and even some students, have reported to me that Noreen hates Daphne and that Noreen refuses to speak to or even acknowledge her when their classes pass on campus. When I question Noreen she absolutely denies it and wants to know whether Daphne told me this! But Daphne’s students trust and respect her and while they complain about the workload, they are cooperative. Daphne’s students feel safe and secure enough to ask questions and become engaged in class discussions. It is very rare that Daphne needs to have a child removed from her classroom for misbehavior.
Daphne understands the importance of demonstrating an interest in the lives of her students. Every morning she takes time to sit next to each child for a few minutes to ask how things are going. In her classroom, there is a bulletin board covered with photos of Daphne and her students. She acknowledges their birthdays and calls their homes frequently to talk with their parents.
Jordan, the new teacher on Daphne’s team, is becoming almost as adept as Daphne at building student relationships and, like Daphne, his students rarely have to be removed from the classroom. Jordan arrived with some of these skills, but Daphne has been mentoring and coaching him. Jordan is passionate about his students. He will advocate for them all, with no clear favorites or “unfavorites.”
My counselors, Rosie and Rusty are also expert at forming warm, caring, healthy relationships with the students. Rusty even spends many of his evening hours phoning students at home. The concern Daphne, Jordan, Rosie and Rusty feel towards the Prospect students is genuine and the children respond positively. Students who are defiant and oppositional with all other adults, will often obey and perform for Daphne, Jordan, Rusty and Rosie. I want to train the rest of my staff to do what these four faculty members do.
Early in the second quarter I schedule a training session to accomplish this goal. I begin the October in-service by first working to inspire my teachers to care about building teacher-student relationships and then giving them direct instruction on how to create them. I point out that good teacher-student relationships result in fewer discipline problems and thus fewer headaches for the teacher. I cite many of the behaviors and activities I’ve witnessed in Daphne’s classroom (without mentioning Daphne by name). Teachers need to give the students some power over their day. Daphne lets her class choose to eat breakfast in the cafeteria or in the classroom (they almost always pick classroom). Custodians Sonya and Vince complain about this at least once a week but it’s a reasonable price to pay for the students feeling good about themselves and the school. I also say that teachers must set clear expectations and post classroom rules. (Daphne has five classroom rules permanently posted and for each lesson, she writes the objectives on the board). When students misbehave, teachers need to intercede quickly and quietly, addressing the child privately rather than publicly drawing attention to the misbehavior. The objective is to deliver more genuine praise and positive comments than reprimands. I talk about the little ways teachers can demonstrate an interest in their students - they can say good morning and greet their students by name when they arrive each day.
My faculty isn’t exactly receptive. Stone is the most skeptical and vocal, although I suspect others agree with him when he expresses his disdain for this “touchy feely” stuff and announces that working on building student relationships is not unlike a necktie: it may look nice but serves no purpose and if you’re not careful it will choke you. In his classroom, Stone exudes an aura of emotional distance, often ridiculing, demeaning and belittling his students. In our meetings, Stone works hard to maintain his reputation as a tough curmudgeon. He never misses a chance to chant he “hates them all equally” and when brainstorming solutions to student problems, Stone always suggests “cattle prods.” Jana, who I teamed with Stone, has accepted some of his rhetoric and adopted some of his policies. I suspect this is because Jana is too exhausted with her pregnancy to make an emotional investment in her students. But unlike Stone, Jana doesn’t assume the worst from her students. She doesn’t hold grudges and she doesn’t let yesterday’s misbehavior carry over into the future. She has rules posted in her room and unlike Stone, Jana doesn’t use sarcasm with her students. Jana is viewed by her class as fair and consistent and she has more success than Stone in instructing lessons while minimizing disruptive behavior.
My counselors, Rosie and Rusty, support me by firmly attesting to the importance of improving teacher-student relationships. But from the eye rolling and other body language, I can tell most of my teachers discount their opinions because they aren’t teachers (although until recently, both of them were!) Daphne and Jordan chime in occasionally to interject affirming comments, but they are clearly cautious about appearing to be Smee cheerleaders, especially when it becomes obvious that Billie, Buffy, Noreen, Neeley, RitaMae, Yvonne, Midge and even orientation leader Stephanie aren’t getting on the bandwagon.
I work hard to make my faculty see that positive student-teacher relationships are not just a “nice thing”, but a necessary thing. At the end of the day, however, I don’t feel I’ve changed many minds or behaviors. I have been reasonably successful at getting my faculty to arrive for work on time, submit weekly lesson plans and communicate with parents, but how do I make them care?
Apathy, bribes, favoritism, scapegoating: there are more ways for student-teacher relationships to go wrong than right. Add to this a staff who would prefer their jobs be like computer programming: simply impart facts then test for retention without any messy interface issues. My hesitant forays into “relationship” discussions have been met with disdain (too touchy-feely), refusal (impossible! citing anecdotes of dramatic student misbehaviors) or misunderstanding (no, favoritism is not an example of a good teacher-student relationship). It is vital for me to convince my staff that forming relationships with their students really matters. I must help them see that the most unappealing child, the most difficult child, the most offensive child, needs our concern at least as much, if not more than, the sweet, obedient child.
One thing I learned in my sixteen years as an educator is that you can’t be effective with students unless you have positive relationships with them. Students need to respect and trust their teacher in order to learn – they have to feel the teacher cares about them and feel secure in their classroom before they can hear, digest and remember new information or learn new skills. Education schools rarely teach courses solely devoted to this topic (though since most of my Prospect teachers haven’t taken any education classes, the existence or non-existence of these courses is somewhat moot). If “teacher-student relationships” appears on a syllabus, it’s usually a single class discussion or one reading assignment. To make matters worse (especially from a Prospect perspective) educators who lecture or write on the topic of teacher-student relationships rarely imagine a classroom full of disruptive, defiant, aggressive, angry, oppositional, hostile and resistant children. So when it comes to finding material to help develop truly qualified teachers for Prospect, I can’t really rely on the standard training curricula available in the field.
I ponder the basic and vexing questions which shape the problem: How do I get my teachers to form positive relationships with their students when the children are all so difficult? How do they do it when many of their students expect and want the teacher to dislike them? How do they do it in a culture where punishing naughty children is seen as a moral obligation? How do I, as principal, train and develop my teachers to overcome all these obstacles? And lastly, is it even possible to teach people to care?
One way to encourage caring and compassion is to help teachers and students see beyond their classroom roles and explore their shared interests. To encourage this, I developed Activity Period. During the summer, before school opened, one of the many changes I made was to the school schedule – I lengthened the school day to allow time for Activity Period. I knew this would be a hard sell for my staff. The benefits of Activity Period: bonding and forming relationships with students, keeping troubled children off the streets and providing our students with enriching experiences, were not of immediate interest to my employees. But offering activity period was crucial to my overall plan for Prospect students.
It’s a class thing. Middle class kids take lessons after school, play on teams, become scouts. Poor kids do not. Poor kids go home, watch TV, hang out, get in trouble. I am oversimplifying, but only a little. My students don’t have hobbies and interests, unless you count sex, drugs and video games. Long before I became the Prospect principal I read about this problem. When I started at Prospect I felt excited and energized knowing I was going to be part of the solution. Too bad my staff thinks Activity Period is about as wonderful as a boot to the head.
None-the-less, I launch Activity Period. For the last hour of the day students participate in an activity or club. Teachers offer activities that match their own interests (chess, fishing, newspaper, building models, comic reading, drawing, running, golf etc.) and students sign up for their favorite choices. The underlying principle is that our students lack healthy hobbies and this not only exposes them to some, it also creates an atmosphere in which they can develop relationships with adults over a shared interest. At least that is the idea and I do my best to try to sell it to my staff using an approach that combines research-based articles and my limited charisma.
Activity Period is really hard to choreograph. Students usually change classes as a whole group. They don’t do well moving about independently, they become wild and violent. Success involves planning, military-like maneuvers and all staff strategically positioned. I knew Activity Period would take some tweaking - how students would register, how we would schedule it and student movement between classrooms. I expect and need a team willing to work with me and brainstorm ideas. Instead, every glitch brings a chorus of “kill activity period.” I work hard on explaining the philosophical underpinnings, but the root of the problem is this: my staff firmly believes that what is best for the students is in direct opposition to what is best for the teachers. I try to find every example, and there are many, of the activity period working well and share these with staff. They continue to insist it would be better to send students home at 2:50 so teachers could have another break period. I don’t give up and try, in the second quarter, to point to the success of Activity Period during the first quarter to get more staff buy-in.
I also tried once, early in the school year, to run a session on teacher-student relationships, but it quickly became a talk on avoiding allegations of sexual harassment. I covered boundary issues, touching and sexual overtones, and what happens when you have a classroom full of students who are hungry, unloved and neglected. I advised no touching but allowed that when our little elementary student Frankie crawls in Midge’s lap or when Ionya is sobbing in Rosie’s office, there is a need to touch to comfort, but we must be so very careful. Fortunately during my eighteen months at Prospect no allegations of sexual misconduct were lodged. In this case, telling teachers what NOT to do was easier than helping them develop healthy relationships with their students. But the absence of sexual allegations does not a positive teacher-student relationship make.
My next foray into running a training on teacher-student relationships focused exclusively on favoritism and scapegoating. I was inspired by three of my newly degreed teachers.
Pets and goats
Teacher’s Pet. Both the phrase and phenomenon are so familiar that this display of favoritism almost seems innocuous. But when teachers play favorites it disturbs students’ sense of fairness. Favoritism also breeds its opposite: scapegoating and holding grudges. RitaMae, Buffy and Yvonne all possess newly minted teaching certificates and this is their first teaching assignment. These women have something else in common, although they won’t admit it: RitaMae, Buffy and Yvonne cultivate teacher’s pets.
For many months, RitaMae’s favorite student was Raheem. Raheem’s younger brother, Kareem is a student in our elementary classroom. Raheem is the calmer and smarter of the two. RitaMae exclusively selects him to run errands, erase the marker board, and distribute books and materials. Raheem is always the first in line for the bathroom and cafeteria. The other students complain to RitaMae and to the counselors, but RitaMae insists she selects Raheem based on his behavior and no one is as good. . well except Nora, but she is doing fine and RitaMae feels Raheem needs the special attention. RitaMae’s least favorite student is Victor. Victor is an Hispanic thirteen year old and truly, Victor is one of our most difficult children. He is also academically advanced and has a great sense of humor. RitaMae only grudging admits he has these gifts and never builds on them to develop rapport with him. Not a week goes by when RitaMae isn’t in my office demanding I suspend Victor. Raheem-the-good sits next to RitaMae’s desk; Victor-the-bad sits in the back of the room by the door. This was the status quo until last week when Raheem spilled chocolate milk on RitaMae’s desk and she yelled at him. Feeling his status as “pet” was in jeopardy, Raheem became upset. What happened next depends on whether you ask RitaMae or her students, Raheem either flailed his arms and accidentally struck RitaMae or he intentionally punched her in the breast. RitaMae reported this as an assault. Raheem was arrested and I sent RitaMae to our worker’s comp doctor. When Raheem returned to school, he had trouble finding his desk. He found it next to Victor’s, by the door.
Buffy, my newer elementary teacher, is very fond of Trent. She jokes with him that they both have freckles so he must be “her son” and she would like to “take him home.” To seven-year-old Trent, with his mother in prison and his grandmother/guardian overwhelmed with his care, having Buffy as his mother must be a fantasy, not unlike winning the lottery. Buffy’s other students complain that she loves Trent more than she likes them. I meet with Buffy to discuss this but she discounts the impression of favoritism as the misplaced whining of troubled students. Trent often runs from the classroom and hides in the shrubs by the driveway. One day recently when he did this, a stressed-out Buffy brusquely grabbed his arm to drag him out from under the hedge. Trent emerged swinging and his punch knocked her off balance and she fell to the ground. At that moment our deputy happened to walk by and witness the “assault.” He immediately arrested seven-year-old Trent. The deputy tells me attacking a teacher is a felony. When Trent returned, there was no more talk of any kinship to Buffy.
Yvonne, my first year teacher from North Carolina, has made Caleb her favorite student. She always selects Caleb to run errands and help with choice class projects. In turn, he helps keep his fellow classmates in line. I meet and talk with her about this situation but she denies she shows any preference for Caleb over her other students. One Friday morning in October, Caleb gets off the bus and asks me if he can phone home to talk to his mother about plans for a sleepover with Darrin tonight. Citing the school rules, I say no. Caleb tries first charm and then anger but I don’t budge.
Caleb is a fourteen-year-old white boy who is not the most loyal of friends and has a reputation for dishonesty. Darrin is our obese boy who threatened to kill himself and needs all the friends he can get. We support the Darrin – Caleb friendship knowing how much Darrin values it. But I won’t let Caleb phone his mother about this outing.
Yvonne does. She lets Caleb use her cell phone and call home despite knowing I forbade him to do so. Later, Caleb’s mother calls me very upset. It seems she and Caleb’s stepfather already said “no” to an overnight. When Caleb phoned her from Yvonne’s cell, he first tried the charm approach he used on me. When that failed, he screamed and cursed at her. Mom wants to know why Caleb was allowed to phone and abuse her from school.
When Yvonne has a break I ask her to come to my office. I explain why it was inappropriate for her to permit Caleb to call home. Yvonne sits stone-faced, not denying or explaining or apologizing. When she finally speaks, she asks me if it is true that I plan to fire her, because that is what Caleb told her. He told her he was leaning out the bus window yesterday and heard me say it to Rosie. I assure Yvonne I don’t plan to fire her and moreover I never said anything to Rosie in the bus circle or anywhere that could be construed as such. Yvonne is unconvinced; she appears to hold more stock in what Caleb says than in what I say. I talk with Yvonne about appropriate and inappropriate student relationships. She isn’t really listening.
Inspired by RitaMae, Buffy and Yvonne, I devote a Tuesday faculty meeting to Teacher-Student relationships and focus on favoritism and scapegoating telling the staff: “Teachers, counselors and principals are human and often we feel an affinity for or a bond with certain students and likewise we’ll feel annoyed and intolerant of others. We need to be aware of these feelings and work hard to be fair. While it isn’t unusual for teachers to have favorite students and least favorite students, we can’t demonstrate these feelings and fortunately one teacher’s difficult students are often another teacher’s delights.”
I’m pleased when my talk results in a lively and productive discussion. RitaMae dramatically identifies her worst girl student is Mimi, Rosie interrupts to say Mimi is her favorite Prospect student! Then Stone cites Glenn as his least favorite student, and we quickly discover that Glenn is no one’s favorite.
Prince Uncharming
Glenn is the boy who, in the Geography Bee, didn’t connect Boston as the capital of Massachusetts. Glenn suffers from what I call “unappealing child syndrome.” Maybe it’s Glenn’s permanent scowl, the chip on his shoulder, or his strange appearance - a very round Charlie Brown head that is too big for his small, squat body. Glenn’s lack of charisma might be associated with his lack of intellect; he is slow to learn and forgets easily. It could also be a glitch in the feedback loop. Glenn’s facial expressions and other non-verbal communication don’t seem to be in synch with the input he receives. But none of these explanations is really satisfactory. Teachers and counselors describe Glenn as whiney, glum, negative, tattletale, lazy and slow. But I think the primary characteristic of the unappealing child is that no staff member can make a connection with him. There is no relationship, not with adults or peers.
I talk about Glenn and how when a “Glenn” sits in your classroom, you have to work hard not to avoid, scapegoat or marginalize him. I stress the importance of self-awareness: we need to acknowledge our emotions toward our least favorite students then work to overcome them and focus on the child’s positives. Has anyone read Glenn’s cumulative file? Did anyone know he was Baker Acted 23 times last school year? I remind my faculty that every child has a story, usually a sad story, that explains, at least in part, why he is here and why you may find him hard to tolerate. But sympathy isn’t empathy and tolerance isn’t acceptance. Without an adult who can develop some semblance of rapport with Glenn, he will be doomed to stumble through his school days isolated and unconnected.
Unfortunately I am finding that while favoritism and grudges are easy to identify and talk about (even if the teachers who exhibit these behaviors are resistant to change), forming healthy teacher-student relationships is far more difficult. By operating in continual crisis mode, I have been reactive on this issue rather than proactive. And given the lack of expertise and experience on the part of most of my staff, I decide I need to focus on teaching fundamentals. Some recent classroom observations inspire me to get on this right away.
I hate observing Neeley’s class. At best I’ll find his student are out of control, but there’s always a reasonable chance I’ll walk in on a full-scale riot. Neeley’s only classroom management technique is bribery. His idea of student-teacher relationships is that the children will admire his youthful coolness and choose to behave because they like him. He and I have talked many times. I’ve given him advice, books, videos, training and through it all, Neeley is always upbeat and positive about my suggestions. For some reason, he just can’t or won’t change.
Since I scheduled a formal observation for today, I grit my teeth and head to his classroom. According to Neeley’s lesson plan, his students are supposed to be making a list of the characters from The Outsiders and writing a paragraph saying which character is most like them. When I walk into the classroom, no one is writing. A few students have a copy of The Outsiders on their desks, but no one has paper except Preston. Neeley is shouting at Conner, the very angry class scapegoat, telling him he must stay in his seat although Marcus, Kwamye and Dante are not in their seats. They are wandering around the classroom poking and provoking. Elden asks to use the computer and Neeley refuses saying Elden hasn’t finished his work. Kwamye, who wants to play a computer game with Elden protests saying Jimmie is using the computer but he didn’t do his work. Neeley then engages in a debate with Elden, and several students loudly rush to Elden’s defense. I walk over to see what Preston is writing and find him drawing a caricature of Neeley. Lindy raises his hand to ask whether they should write a paragraph about every character or just three. Conner, still stinging from his reprimand, shouts that Lindy is a “retard.” Nicholas raises his hand and asks Neeley whether the assignment wasn’t to write a paragraph on just Ponyboy. Marcus, only half braided today, wanders out the classroom door, unnoticed by Neeley. I decide I’d rather join Marcus than spend another minute in this classroom. As I go to leave, Lindy whispers conspiratorially to me: “Mr. Neeley promised us Tootsie Rolls if we were good when you came in today.”
I’m not sure whether the class got their candy.
Feeling dejected and ashamed that Neeley’s classroom exists on my campus, I walk back to my office mentally composing the feedback I will deliver to Neeley. If the past is any guide, he will listen attentively and enthusiastically, agree to make changes, (in fact he’ll even make a few), but they will be short-lived or he will undermine his own best efforts by reverting to bribery and ignoring misbehavior. Neeley’s willingness to change is what keeps me from giving up on him. As the principal, as his boss, I need to help him focus and when he does make corrections, I need to support him. In sustaining them. I can’t overwhelm Neeley by talking about ALL the areas in which he needs improvement. I plan to begin with some strengths (I’m reaching here but he does show a genuine enthusiasm for literature) and then I’ll move onto a single area for improvement: appropriate student-teacher relationships. As I outline my thoughts for the feedback session with Neeley I realize most of my staff could benefit from a similar discussion.
Fortunately some of my teachers and counselors are experts at building teacher-student relationships. Daphne’s skills in this area are amazing, although I try not to hold up Daphne as a role model too often to avoid peer resentment, which seems to be constantly simmering at Prospect. For example, staff and even some students, have reported to me that Noreen hates Daphne and that Noreen refuses to speak to or even acknowledge her when their classes pass on campus. When I question Noreen she absolutely denies it and wants to know whether Daphne told me this! But Daphne’s students trust and respect her and while they complain about the workload, they are cooperative. Daphne’s students feel safe and secure enough to ask questions and become engaged in class discussions. It is very rare that Daphne needs to have a child removed from her classroom for misbehavior.
Daphne understands the importance of demonstrating an interest in the lives of her students. Every morning she takes time to sit next to each child for a few minutes to ask how things are going. In her classroom, there is a bulletin board covered with photos of Daphne and her students. She acknowledges their birthdays and calls their homes frequently to talk with their parents.
Jordan, the new teacher on Daphne’s team, is becoming almost as adept as Daphne at building student relationships and, like Daphne, his students rarely have to be removed from the classroom. Jordan arrived with some of these skills, but Daphne has been mentoring and coaching him. Jordan is passionate about his students. He will advocate for them all, with no clear favorites or “unfavorites.”
My counselors, Rosie and Rusty are also expert at forming warm, caring, healthy relationships with the students. Rusty even spends many of his evening hours phoning students at home. The concern Daphne, Jordan, Rosie and Rusty feel towards the Prospect students is genuine and the children respond positively. Students who are defiant and oppositional with all other adults, will often obey and perform for Daphne, Jordan, Rusty and Rosie. I want to train the rest of my staff to do what these four faculty members do.
Early in the second quarter I schedule a training session to accomplish this goal. I begin the October in-service by first working to inspire my teachers to care about building teacher-student relationships and then giving them direct instruction on how to create them. I point out that good teacher-student relationships result in fewer discipline problems and thus fewer headaches for the teacher. I cite many of the behaviors and activities I’ve witnessed in Daphne’s classroom (without mentioning Daphne by name). Teachers need to give the students some power over their day. Daphne lets her class choose to eat breakfast in the cafeteria or in the classroom (they almost always pick classroom). Custodians Sonya and Vince complain about this at least once a week but it’s a reasonable price to pay for the students feeling good about themselves and the school. I also say that teachers must set clear expectations and post classroom rules. (Daphne has five classroom rules permanently posted and for each lesson, she writes the objectives on the board). When students misbehave, teachers need to intercede quickly and quietly, addressing the child privately rather than publicly drawing attention to the misbehavior. The objective is to deliver more genuine praise and positive comments than reprimands. I talk about the little ways teachers can demonstrate an interest in their students - they can say good morning and greet their students by name when they arrive each day.
My faculty isn’t exactly receptive. Stone is the most skeptical and vocal, although I suspect others agree with him when he expresses his disdain for this “touchy feely” stuff and announces that working on building student relationships is not unlike a necktie: it may look nice but serves no purpose and if you’re not careful it will choke you. In his classroom, Stone exudes an aura of emotional distance, often ridiculing, demeaning and belittling his students. In our meetings, Stone works hard to maintain his reputation as a tough curmudgeon. He never misses a chance to chant he “hates them all equally” and when brainstorming solutions to student problems, Stone always suggests “cattle prods.” Jana, who I teamed with Stone, has accepted some of his rhetoric and adopted some of his policies. I suspect this is because Jana is too exhausted with her pregnancy to make an emotional investment in her students. But unlike Stone, Jana doesn’t assume the worst from her students. She doesn’t hold grudges and she doesn’t let yesterday’s misbehavior carry over into the future. She has rules posted in her room and unlike Stone, Jana doesn’t use sarcasm with her students. Jana is viewed by her class as fair and consistent and she has more success than Stone in instructing lessons while minimizing disruptive behavior.
My counselors, Rosie and Rusty, support me by firmly attesting to the importance of improving teacher-student relationships. But from the eye rolling and other body language, I can tell most of my teachers discount their opinions because they aren’t teachers (although until recently, both of them were!) Daphne and Jordan chime in occasionally to interject affirming comments, but they are clearly cautious about appearing to be Smee cheerleaders, especially when it becomes obvious that Billie, Buffy, Noreen, Neeley, RitaMae, Yvonne, Midge and even orientation leader Stephanie aren’t getting on the bandwagon.
I work hard to make my faculty see that positive student-teacher relationships are not just a “nice thing”, but a necessary thing. At the end of the day, however, I don’t feel I’ve changed many minds or behaviors. I have been reasonably successful at getting my faculty to arrive for work on time, submit weekly lesson plans and communicate with parents, but how do I make them care?
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