Chapter Sixty: The Last Epiphany

Chapter 60: The Last Epiphany

I ran a 10K race recently and somehow in the course of running, I got this mistaken idea that a 10K race was equivalent to 6.4 miles. Maybe all the blood was being rerouted to my legs rather than to my brain, but whatever my excuse, when I turned a corner and suddenly saw the finish line, I was upset. If it hadn’t been a hidden finish and if I had realized a 10K equals only 6.2, not 6.4 miles, I could have run a better time. I still had a reserve of unused energy and moreover I’d been practicing my sprints to the finish line. While I was annoyed at the race organizers for hiding the finish line around a corner, I was more annoyed at myself for not realizing the end was so near.

When the 2003 school year started, I hoped my principalship at Prospect would last at least the academic year. But I was wrong and, as with the 10K, I just couldn’t see the finish line.

But first, Valerie, Rita Mae and Jordan give me their two week notice.

Valerie, who I hired last year as the Title One Math teacher, returned this year to be a classroom teacher only because I begged her to do so. She teaches math and science but keeps telling me to look for a replacement. I find this sort of zany guy (ZG) who might work out, but I keep hoping Valerie will stay. Today she makes it clear, she won’t. Okay, I can get a grip and hire ZG.

I had no warning and can’t get a grip about Rita Mae. My all-girl teacher is leaving Prospect to go teach at ESAK?! When she tells me I am speechless. At first I think it is a joke, but her face and tone are anything but joking. Henry, my public school liaison, has frequently quoted Rocky, (principal of ESAK) as saying he is impressed by the caliber of the teachers I hire. I give Henry my “secret” of posting job openings on the web site “teach-in-florida.com” but Rocky doesn’t use it – he continues to rely on ads in the local paper with predictably poor results. But now I guess Rocky found a new technique: recruit my Prospect teachers.

A couple weeks ago, Marci, my permanent substitute, told me Rocky called her and asked if she would come to ESAK. She told him no and reported the conversation to me. He then apparently contacted Rita Mae and offered her more pay. She is a single parent; he made her an offer she couldn’t refuse. I call The Boss. ESAK and Prospect share the same parent company, is this ethical? The Boss tells me Rocky denies contacting Rita Mae, one of his employees did it. I just need to deal with it.

Rita Mae is overheard saying she is leaving because the girls are so bad and she doesn’t get any support from Rusty, Rosie or me. Maybe she feels guilty saying she is leaving for more money; maybe there is truth in both tales. But sadly, not only do I overhear her but, the girls hear it as well. Girl wars break out in Rita Mae’s classroom. One group of girls shouts they hate her and they are glad she is leaving, the rest of the girls shout how much they love her and never before has a teacher cared so much for them and they love the all-girls class and they know Rita Mae is leaving because of those other girls, the bad ones. Different days different girls join different sides of this argument. I do a lot of running to Rita Mae’s class and suddenly it is rare not to have a surly group of misbehaving girls scowling in my office. I am mad at Rita Mae for revealing her intentions to her class so soon. I am mad at her for leaving. I am mad.

Meanwhile, for future daughter-in-law Sarah’s last two weeks at Prospect she is never without another adult in the classroom and thus survives to her wedding date without any further violence. She departs on a Wednesday. I leave the following evening, feeling guilty at taking off even one day to attend the wedding of my son and Sarah in Maryland. But before I leave, Jordan, my brave and brilliant elementary teacher, tells me he and his wife have decided to move back to Alabama to care for his dying father. How can you beg someone to stay who is prioritizing his family over his career? I fly north wondering how to find a Title One Reading teacher to replace Sarah, an all-girls teacher to replace Rita Mae, an elementary teacher to replace Jordan and worrying whether ZG will work out with Valerie’s class.

My day off for the wedding was approved in advance by The Boss, but that doesn’t stop him from phoning me Friday morning. I tell him I am in the church in the middle of my son’s wedding rehearsal. He says fine, this is urgent, then proceeds to discuss Rusty’s health problems. As he talks I picture my insides turning to dust, crumbling and raining down to my feet so that when he is done I am just a pile of small pebbles and sand.

The morning of the wedding of my only child, I go to a college track and run. It is cold in Maryland in October, but I run fast and faster, twenty times around the track. A track lets you run without thinking about running, no cars to dodge or people who wave. I run and ruminate to the rhythm of my Asics on the rubbery synthetic-surface track.

plap - plap -plap - plap - plap - plap -plap - plap - plap - plap -plap - plap

First lap and I calculate that for nearly a year and a half I have been searching for solutions, now I am searching for an exit. As principal at Prospect, I am perpetrating the myth of the acceptability of a separate education. I am part of the problem. I think of that saying “when you lie down with dogs you get up with fleas.” What I am doing is not good for my students, my staff or for me. I need to work to abolish this system, not tweak it and make superficial improvements. It is wrong to remove the troubled children from school and put them all in a separate, non-public school. No two ways about it, it is wrong. Prospect is not now, nor ever can be, a good place for children or teachers. I’ve left jobs before, but never without another job lined up. But how much longer can I stay in this situation?

plap - plap -plap - plap - plap - plap -plap - plap - plap - plap -plap - plap

Next lap I envision trying to explain my departure to Darius, Karla, Mookie. How can I abandon them? Am I trying to rationalize quitting because the job is too hard, The Boss too difficult? I’ve had hard jobs before. I should not give up.

plap - plap -plap - plap - plap - plap -plap - plap - plap - plap -plap - plap

Around the track again, each lap takes less than two minutes. Now I am thinking about my family. The husband I only see on weekends because I took this crazy job. The son who has a distracted empty shell of a mother at his wedding, the same mother who allowed his young bride to be assaulted.

plap - plap -plap - plap - plap - plap -plap - plap - plap - plap -plap - plap

I see bills. The bills for the mortgage on our new house. The bills for student loans for our son’s Ivy league education. The bills for all those flights up and down the east coast so my husband and I could see each other. How do we pay these bills if I’m not getting paid? While both of the two alternative schools that wanted to open in Herald County have expressed a strong desire to hire me as their principal, the school board rejected their applications and insisted some unrealistic demands be met before either could reapply. Thus it is unlikely either of these companies will choose to open a school in Herald County. I’ve always wanted to be a writer and I want to write about this experience, but such a risk, such a leap of faith!

plap - plap -plap - plap - plap - plap -plap - plap - plap - plap -plap - plap

Running on this track is a relief for my pavement-pounded knees and feet. I could ease the wear and tear by running on trails, but I’m afraid I’ll lose my footing on a root, hole or stone and I don’t want to fall. Several years ago a boss told me I wasn’t a risk taker. That criticism has stuck with me. Am I utterly stodgy? A stick-in-the-mud old lady who needs her half glass of milk at 3:00 p.m. and can’t sleep without her own pillow? That isn’t how I see myself, but now I worry I’ve taken too big a risk, too many risks, and I am scared. Suddenly my life is riddled with roots, holes and stones and I find myself deep in the woods on a trail far from any paved road. And I am so scared of falling.

When I return to Prospect, Rita Mae leaves, then Valerie (ZG can’t start yet). Shortly thereafter, Jordan leaves.

Rosie volunteers to cover the all girls’ class temporarily but she makes it clear she got her Master’s degree in Social Work because she wants to be a counselor, not a teacher. The teachers are all upset because without a Title One teacher they aren’t getting their breaks and now with only one Counselor, they are having a harder time getting students removed from their classroom. Rusty is upset since with Rosie teaching, he has to handle all the troubled students alone. Things are falling apart and the center cannot hold. In my search for solutions I stop sleeping. I reluctantly call on The Boss for help. He promises to send counselors from other programs, but forgets his promise. I call him again. The Boss sends a counselor and then he comes to campus too. He delivers an ultimatum: he is going to take over the school. I can resign or I can work under him and if I choose the latter that means I will no longer be the principal and I must do everything he says and never question him.

I resign.