Chapter Fifty: Uncomfortably Numb

Chapter 50: Uncomfortably Numb

I am either numb, jaded or both. Although I continue to write in my journal, my sense of awe and shock is gone and at times my entries border on flippancy and sarcasm even when events warrant a more serious tone. Admittedly the Extortion Ring and off-campus AWOLs were new challenges, but as matter-of-factly as one might write, “It rained this morning,” I write: Perry and Mulchaey lit firecrackers on the bus. I suspend both boys from the bus for a week. It is only when I send my out-of-state friends emails cut and pasted from my journal, and their replies come back littered with exclamation points and disbelief, am I reminded how far removed we are from normal.

My new shell-shocked state allows me to weather the usual Prospect excitement without hand wringing, and it would now take a seriously cataclysmic event for me to feel like there was a crisis. But what have I lost? As I get more numb to the stress, am I also less concerned with the lives of my students? What am I becoming? I see Midge ill, passed out on her floor and I feel like I am looking at a scene from a movie. I shrug off rumors of pregnant girls and barely flinch at the sight of a fourteen-year-old girl who happens to be a mother and an amputee. One of my teachers is abusive but I treat him the same way I treat my tardy teachers: I write him up. What is happening to my energy, my passion, my enthusiasm, my hope?



January 29th
Darla’s father phoned RitaMae to say Darla was high when she got off the bus this afternoon and she was “unable to hold a slice of avocado.” (Is this a standard measure of drug consumption?) Darla admits she took pills from Curtis on the bus ride home, but she says she doesn’t know what the pills were. RitaMae phones me at home asking what she should do. I haven’t a clue. I’m just making it up as I go. But I don’t say that to RitaMae.
Speaking of drugs, during a random drug test today, Marcus tested positive for 4 drugs including marijuana.

January 30th
Coby and Tyrell fought at dismissal. Coby took off his sneakers and threw them at Tyrell. Coby was livid and literally foaming at the mouth. Stone restrained Coby and witnesses say he was pretty rough about it. I don’t let either boy ride home on the bus. When Tyrell’s grandparents came to pick him up they took him outside for a “whuppin.” Coby’s father said he must have forgotten to take his medication before school or maybe he took the wrong medicine. (I have this image of a countertop covered with amber prescription bottles and Coby selecting which pills to take each morning.)

February 3rd
Darla was back in school today after several days absence post pill popping. She told RitaMae she took the pills because she wants to kill herself because her mother keeps saying she wished she’d killed Darla when Darla was a baby and her stepmother hates her (RitaMae says this is pretty close to the truth) and her father wants to kick her out (at least he keeps telling RitaMae he plans to “put Darla on the streets.”). Darla said there is no point in talking to a counselor since her mother took her to counseling before and Darla saw a counselor three times but she stopped going because her mother said it wasn’t working. We Baker Act Darla. When RitaMae called Darla’s father to tell him about the Baker Acting he suggests she adopt Darla.

February 4th
The Mime was in my office crying again. Today she was crying because she cried in front of her class and between choking sobs tells me she worries they’ve lost all respect for her. Should I tell her this is impossible – they have no respect for you? Her bawling stops as suddenly as it started and she sniffles that she has a plan: she will teach her students to juggle. Oh fine, I am sure that’s a splendid idea….

February 5th
I have to fill out repair paper work because a switch plate in Neeley’s room is broken. Neeley says a child’s head hit it during a “wild time.” Rosie reported to me that all the computers in Neeley’s classroom are destroyed because it is always “wild time” in Neeley’s room.

February 6th
At lunch time, Corinna, the Title One liaison, showed up out of the blue and started to tell Lynne she is doing “everything wrong.” Corinna and Lynne got into a screaming match in my office. I missed the opening rounds, but I saw the end: Corinna storming out the front door of my portable, shouting, “Your Title One money is now in jeopardy” and Lynne exiting almost as quickly out the back door to sit on the stoop sobbing.

February 7th
Chloe is back in Cressler House. She’s been there for over a week, ever since she made allegations of child abuse against her mother. Her mother called today to say she is happy to be rid of Chloe and that some social worker at Cressler is threatening to have her arrested for child neglect because she refuses to bring Chloe’s clothes down there. Mom says Chloe was going to run away and maybe the people at Cressler can keep her from doing that. Rosie calls Cressler House to let them know Chloe has been depressed and might be suicidal.

February 11th
Tony’s mother told me Tony’s teacher, Neeley, drinks alcohol during class from a plastic cup mixing it with apple juice and orange juice. Tony told her Neeley jokes about it all the time. I sent Neeley for a “random” drug test. He came back clean. I think I remember reading that alcohol leaves your bloodstream pretty fast, unlike marijuana.

February 12th
Henry stopped by to tell me I’m supposed to be doing a “POP” on all my new teachers. “POP” apparently is part of the Florida alternative certification program. I had no idea I had a role to play in the certification of my “non-traditional” teachers. Henry left me with arm loads of files and packets and says I should have attended a two-day training on this but for now I must read the material and implement immediately.

February 13th
Rosie confided in me that three of our girls are pregnant and they are identifying the fathers as either Prospect students or older men.
The Mime squealed into the walkie-talkie today “SHANDON IS IN THE CLOSET SHOWING HIS GENITALS TO DURON!”

February 17th
Two Bus drivers arrived upset. Public school students threw eggs at their busses, some eggs went inside the bus and hit kids. Busses are sticky and eggy inside and out.

February 18th
The Mime cried in our morning meeting today. She cries so much I don’t even remember why she was crying this time. Stone, who was sitting next to her, reached in his pocket, removed some change and, turning to the Mime, said “Here’s a quarter, call someone who cares.” Stone’s sarcasm: it’s not just for students anymore.

February 19th
United Way called today, we were denied the United Way grant. Despite the hours of work I spent applying for this, I feel relief. The money was earmarked to transport students to Prospect all summer so we could run school 12 months a year. It would have been great for the students, but right now I would like to have a couple student free months.

February 21st
Estralitta and Selma, two of the three pregnant girls Rosie told me about, are not pregnant. Chloe is the third and the rumor mill says that is why her mother forced her into Cressler house. Valerie, my new Title One Math teacher told me Karla told her she was absent yesterday because she was having an abortion. Actually Karla told Valerie it was “Marla” who had the abortion. Marla is Karla’s imaginary evil twin. Karla’s mother still hasn’t refilled the lithium prescription….

March 3rd
Midge was absent from the 8:00 morning meeting. I just figured she was late but after the meeting, Buffy reported that Midge’s car was parked on campus. We found Midge unconscious, sprawled out on the floor of her classroom. Lynne called 911. Buffy and Rosie sat with Midge stroking her and calming her. Two firefighters appeared just as the busses were pulling in. Two ambulance workers also appeared shortly thereafter. Midge was given oxygen and examined. Vital signs normal. Midge told the paramedics she had been spraying the bathroom with disinfectant and that was the last thing she remembered. The paramedics said she was fine but she decided to go home to recover. She was crying. Rosie got her a cup of tea. Midge drove home after an hour with the tea. I threw away the disinfectant.

March 5th
Henry phoned to say the School Board ruled against Edgar returning to public school. Henry said we’ll try again and next time Jordan, Edgar’s teacher and I will “testify.” When I gave Edgar the news, his lip quivered, but he put on a brave face.

March 6th
Chloe says the father of her “baby” is a thirty-year-old man who is a friend of her mother’s. Rosie called DCF.

March 12th
There was a toxic aroma in four classrooms this morning. Various staff identified it as either: dead animal, hair chemicals in a bad beauty salon, old burnt rubber or the NJ Turnpike (that was my professional assessment). Teachers refused to go in their classrooms. By the end of day the mystery was solved: the toxic smell was a burnt plastic sheathing on a light fixture.

March 13th
Stephanie invited me to visit her classroom today to hear Zoë, her newest student, introduce herself. All I knew about Zoë was that she is a white fourteen-year-old girl who had a baby last year. As I watched, Zoë removed her prosthesis and told the class about the dump truck of sewage that ran over her leg three years ago, Zoë is surprisingly articulate.

March 14th
Henry stopped by to tell me we’ll have to find a new location for Prospect next year because the School Board wants to use this property for a project of their own: a school for dumb good kids (as opposed, I suppose, to my students: dumb bad kids). The purpose is to raise FCAT scores.

April 8th
Billie radioed for me to help her with “something suspicious” today. She always wants to be the “good cop.” When I got out to the ball field she told me to look in Dante’s jacket hanging on the fence. I found a computer mouse. Billie said Marcus (hair braided today) was part of the theft and she wanted me to have both boys sent to the deputy. I do, but his investigation turns up nothing. Later Billie radioed for me again this time she believed there was some sort of cigarette scam involving Karla and Mimi. We know both girls smoke, so Rosie searched them but turned up nothing. When she heard this, Billie claimed they transferred the cigarettes to another girl but she wasn’t sure who.

April 9th
Chloe finally had a pregnancy test, she is not pregnant. She is still living at Cressler House.

April 10th
A new student arrived today, Rafael. He tried to fight with Kareem in the parking lot early this morning, but new teacher Theo broke it up, cutting his finger in the process. Then at breakfast Rafael again attacked Kareem and was punching his face when the Deputy separated them and handcuffed Rafael. The Deputy turned his back and Rafael went around him and, despite the cuffs, started kicking and spitting at Kareem. The Deputy dragged him away shouting “What are you, an idiot?”

April 11th
Hannah didn’t have a good day. Her students rioted and she threw a framed picture at them and the glass broke. She went to Rosie’s office for confession and a shoulder to cry on. At least she didn’t cry in front of class like The Mime does.

April 15th
We got a new elementary kid this week, Jojo. His mother said she doesn’t know why he keeps doing wrong especially since every morning before school they have a prayer circle and light aroma therapy candles. Today Jojo’s mother was late to pick him up, again. He waits for her outside Jana’s classroom. When Jana was busy in the bus circle talking with a parent, Jojo snuck inside her classroom and stole Jana’s walkie-talkie from her desk. Although she couldn’t prove it, Jana was sure Jojo was the culprit and told his mother as much. His mother refused to believe it and in fact was angry and rude to Jana. But then at home when she found the walkie-talkie and the belt clip for it, which Jojo broke, she phoned to tell me. She became upset when I told her she would have to pay for a new clip. Here is what I didn’t tell her: I think you’re using the wrong aromas.

April 16th
Billie and The Mime were both late again today. They are late a lot. When we talk they act like I’m making much ado about nothing and then they spew excuses. I wrote them both up. Neeley, on the other hand wasn’t late! After a spate of tardies with excuses ranging from: “I fell asleep drunk with a bottle of wine in my hand on the couch and didn’t hear my alarm” to “A guy parked behind my truck and I couldn’t back out” we had a serious talk and I put him on a PIP (performance improvement plan). He’s been on time every day since and I make a point of quietly acknowledging his success daily.

April 17th
I got a call today from a school principal in Savannah Georgia doing a reference check on Yvonne. Big question: would she be eligible for rehire at my school. Hmmm let me see, lame lessons, no classroom management and resignation by fax – I’d have to say “NO!” I’m still laughing over Hannah’s comment in our morning meeting: she said it’s getting easier for her to be tough, harden her heart and maintain control in the classroom. “I’m so mean now, I’m even mean to my cat!”

April 18th
A long kitchen knife was found under Sam’s portable today. Jeremiah found it and gave it to Mookie who then turned it in to Title One Reading teacher, Dana. Rumors are rampant: Calymont, Kembrall…. Will our investigation yield any findings? How long has the knife been there?

April 22nd
The Mime found a note Kembrall wrote to a new girl saying, “I want to fuck you.” The Mime promised him she would keep this information to herself – unclear why, more poor judgment. Some of the other students told Rosie who grew alarmed since Kembrall has been accused of molesting some of the girls. Why did I hire The Mime?!

April 23rd
Stephanie lost a stack of orientation in-take packets and is trying to blame others. She has been very scattered lately. Lynne says Stephanie’s sort-of-ex-husband has been trying to reconcile with her while her new love-of-her-life is deployed in the Middle East.

April 24th
More excitement with Midge today. She radioed for help and reported pain in her arm and blindness in one eye. 911 all over again. Midge spent all day in the ER, no causes, no diagnosis. They admitted her and are running more tests. I phoned the hospital and spoke with Midge’s daughter. She said the doctors think it is either her heart, a pinched nerve in her arm, sleep apnea or the fact that Midge has been upset about the death of a friend.

April 28th
Rafael, who was arrested on his first day at Prospect, returned today. Billie was covering the orientation class as they ate breakfast. Rafael started throwing milk. Billie sounded pretty hysterical on the walkie-talkie and Stone, who was right outside the cafeteria with his class, came to her aid. Witnesses say Stone manhandled Rafael causing Rafael to bite Stone and then spit a huge gob in Stone’s face. Stone responded by choking Rafael until he nearly lost consciousness (Rafael not Stone). Two plainclothes detectives were on campus to question Curtis about a recent crime spree and they rushed to the scene and handcuffed Rafael. I’m pretty sure Rafael won’t be back, but what to do about Stone? Billie was in the best position to observe the encounter but she and Stone are thick as thieves and she denies he did anything but “rescue” her.

Are numbness, sarcasm and flippancy symptoms of “job burn-out”? And what role does this numbness play in my new sleep habits? As the fourth quarter starts, I find it is easier to sleep, but harder to get out of bed in the morning and I feel tired all the time? I try to channel my thoughts on specific plans and projects in an attempt to regain my energy and focus, but I find it hard to care and even harder to hope. Cynical thoughts cloud my brain and my inner voice starts to sound frighteningly like Stone’s. I’m hurtling toward the dark side. I try to think of something I’ve done that has been a success, something that has helped my students. I think about Activity Period and for a moment, I recapture my passion and enthusiasm. It is to be a short-lived moment.