Chapter Forty-Three: The First of Three Epiphanies

Chapter 43: The First of Three Epiphanies

Christmas break provides me with some much needed R&R, but the best thing about Christmas break is that it gives me a chance to think and plan. Not just my usual thinking about how I coped with the disaster de jour and an emergency plan on controlling the damage, but to really ruminate about essential questions to guide me going forward: How am I different now than I was when I began eight months ago? What do I know now that I didn’t know then? How will I change my behavior in light of this knowledge?

On the flights from Rochester to Orlando, my holiday reflections take the shape of what I come to view as my first Epiphany, my Christmas Epiphany:

I wasn’t sure before but I am certain now: it is wrong to put the misbehaving children together in one school, no matter how well funded (which Prospect isn’t) and wonderful the school (again, not Prospect). This is a flawed concept. I am not ready to say my participation in this school is wrong, but I now know the theory behind the school is absolutely wrong. The fact that nearly all my students are poor and score poorly on standardized tests makes their ostracism more offensive. I do not believe Herald country principals and Henry, my liaison, intentionally target children who fit these demographics, but it is the reality and has the potential for abuse.

The reason Herald County contracts with Ebencorp to run Prospect is because it is cheaper, plain and simple. As a rule, the Herald County School Board does not want to spend taxpayers’ money and that goes double when the money is earmarked for poorly behaved, poorly scoring, poor children. (This insight potentially leads to a series of related questions I am still too afraid to ponder: Does the Herald County School Board believe and expect the children of Prospect can learn? Does Ebencorp care at all about teaching Prospect children the academics? Does the Boss? Does Henry? Am I the only one who believes the primary goal of Prospect is to educate children? These queries threaten to unravel my reality and must be saved for a future epiphany)

My Christmas Epiphany has the power to change my behavior and view of my work: I realize I must accept that I will not be able to buy the materials I need, hire the quality and quantity of teachers I need or give the children what they need. I must accept these unmet needs and do the best I can, provide the best educational environment possible and know that any given day can be horrible and bizarre and unbelievable and I just need to roll with the punches and try to do better tomorrow.

So I return to Lakeboro rested. Despite Daphne’s abrupt departure and my lock box ruminations, I feel renewed and full of energy. My new view of my role at Prospect has the unintended consequence of making the next three months feel like weeks and weeks like days. I feel as though during the first semester I was running at marathon pace (slowly to conserve energy) and now I am sprinting in a 5K. Speaking of marathons, shortly after Christmas my husband and I run in our first (and so far only) marathon. Running 26+ miles is a pretty unique experience about which I could write extensively. In the interest of brevity just the facts:

On a cool Sunday morning In January 2003 my husband and I ran in the Walt Disney World Marathon. The good news: we ran the whole race and finished in under four hours. The bad news: The Boss “forgets” he approved time off for me post-race and demands I return to work. (Yes I have a copy of the email he sent approving the time, no he does not want me to send it). When I am forced to leave my husband, son and son’s fiancé in our hotel suite, I permit myself to open the lock box a bit, crying as I drive north, back to Prospect.